Gay actors ‘damage believability of ridiculous nonsense’

DISCOVERING an actor is gay can make the alien or superhero they are playing seem less realistic, it has been claimed.

After Matt Damon said being gay could harm actors’ careers, members of the public agreed they should stay in the closet to prevent them feeling uncomfortable about their favourite absurd characters.

Receptionist Nikki Hollis said: “Finding out Johnny Depp was gay would be as though Edward Scissorhands had been lying to me all these years, although obviously I have no problem accepting his massive hands made of scissors.

“So I think gay actors should keep it secret for the sake of their fans. Or they could only play obviously gay characters like C3PO or some sort of flying robot owl.”

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “If an actor’s gay I can’t really believe the love scenes. So Han Solo kissing Princess Leia while they’re hiding in the lair of a giant space worm in an asteroid field just wouldn’t be realistic.

“I’ve always thought it would be cool to go for a drink with Batman, but if Christian Bale was gay I’d have to go with a different superhero so we could talk about women. Probably Iron Man, or Captain America if he’s busy.”

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Tests on Audi cars find they contain tossers

MOST Audi cars have a knobhead fitted in the driver’s seat, it has emerged.

Tests in the wake of recent emissions scandals found that most Audi vehicles contain at least one intolerable human, usually behind the steering wheel.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There’s long been anecdotal evidence that these cars contain tossers.

“They’re not factory-fitted, rather they buy the cars and then drive them around. We were able to verify this by taking a random sample of Audi driver personalities.

“Of the Audi drivers we questioned, 98 per cent said they didn’t have time to answer any questions because they were late for a very important business meeting, usually about some sort of merger, that was to be followed by golf at a club that doesn’t let just anyone join.

“Jumped-up little shits.”

The findings have renewed calls for all Audi cars to be crushed, preferable with their owners watching.

However Professor Brubaker said: “If we forced them all off the road, how would they travel?

“Probably by train, talking loudly in the quiet carriage about shareholder meetings.”