XMAS by Kylie looks set to be the Christmas number one, but many tracks which achieved the same feat never get featured on Christmas playlists. Specifically these:
Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2), Pink Floyd, 1979
What could be more festive than a song about being brutalised at school by sadistic teachers preparing you for a life of mindless conformity? Or the narrator’s descent into Nazi ideology due to his father’s death in WW2? Yes, it’s no wonder The Wall is a mainstay of every Christmas party playlist. Sing along, kids!
Girls’ School, Wings, 1977
The double A-side of Mull of Kintyre sets off the paedo alarm with lyrics about female pupils who are ‘18 years and younger’ and a ‘kid sister’ who ‘knows what she’s waiting for’, presumably not her A-level results. Paul McCartney got the idea for the song from sleazy porn film titles, but that doesn’t help and you can see why they don’t play it in Asda.
Day Tripper, The Beatles, 1966
Christmas is not improved for being reminded John Lennon once failed to get his leg over and was sufficiently bitter about the experience to write a song about it. He also aired relationship grievances in Run For Your Life and Norwegian Wood, so there’s probably an demo out there called Would It Kill You to Give Me a Blowjob Without Me Having to Beg?
Lily the Pink, The Scaffold, 1968
The Scaffold were a Liverpool comedy group, which possibly explains why they updated a bawdy folk song about a real 1880s cure-all tonic that got you drunk. Bugger all to do with Christmas except that it’s shit, repetitive and annoying. Much like their other hit Thank U Very Much, so at least they were consistent.
Two Little Boys, Rolf Harris, 1969
Mawkish children’s song in the mould of Puff the Magic Dragon, so it could easily have become a Christmas favourite were it not for Operation Yewtree. Nobody’s arguing we should ‘separate the art from the artist’ in this particular case.
Christmas Alphabet, Dickie Valentine, 1955
Other 1950s crooners stood the test of time, so why not Dickie? Basically because it’s nowhere near the tune that Harry Belafonte’s Mary’s Boy Child is. Also, pedants may feel that merely riffing on the letters C, H, R, I, S, T, M, A and S again in no way constitutes an alphabet.
Mr Blobby, Mr Blobby, 1993
Rarely heard these days because Britain likes to forget and move on from its periodic bouts of madness, like Brexit and Diana’s funeral. And because it’s so irredeemably shit. The farting noises are like a siren’s sweet song compared to the children’s choir screeching ‘Blobby, oh Mr Blobby’. No wonder Noel Edmonds was transported to a penal colony.
