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Wearing these antlers fills me with shame, dog confesses

A PET dog has admitted the annual period where he is forced to wear antlers to be a miniature canine reindeer haunts him for the rest of the year. 

Labrador Tom Logan is already dreading the upcoming humiliation which will be documented in multiple photos and posted to all social media platforms, saying it makes him feel like ‘a joke’.

He continued: “Every year, I find the antlers. Every year I shred them. I have made the strength of my feelings known. I didn’t shit out the last bell until March.

“But I already know that at some point, one of my family, one of the people meant to love me and care for me, will get out a pair of these and say what fun then are.

“Then I’ll be made to wear them, eyes sad, tail drooping, like a cuckold in my horns, while you all shriek with laughter at what a prick you’ve made me look. It ruins my Christmas.

“You don’t care. You don’t follow me while I paw them off. You don’t see me lying, still and broken, behind the big armchair. I almost think you do it just to put me in my place.

“Tell you what, I bet XL Bullys don’t have to wear f**king antlers.”

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Child method acting as shepherd

AN intense eight-year-old has spent an entire weekend herding sheep in preparation for his role in today’s nativity play. 

Jack Browne has followed in the footsteps of Daniel Day-Lewis by learning his trade and remaining in character as Third Shepherd even when not rehearsing so he can bring a grounded realism to the part.

Teacher Mrs Shaw said: “Jack’s dedication was impressive at first. Nobody expected such an authentic portrayal of a nameless background character milling around with a tea towel on his head. He only has one line.

“It only got weird when he brought a sheep into school and spent all lunch roaming the playing fields with a crook, running soil through his hands and muttering about grazing conditions.

“Lessons became impossible because he’d feign astonishment at the iPads, or the ‘cursed distraction slate’ as he refers to it, and also saying it was not for one of his station to learn to count. This was when he still spoke English.”

Mother Anne Browne said: “Jack’s thrown himself into this. He sleeps in a tent, he hasn’t bathed in a month, he eats only foraged nuts. The usurpers who took the First and Second Shepherd roles should be ashamed of themselves.”

Browne said, in Aramaic: “Hark, the winter sun is dim and low. I must tend to my flock from the sanctuary of Burger King.”

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