Glastonbury to be held in large gymnasium from now on

MUD-COVERED Glastonbury wretches have agreed it is best if the festival is held in a big sports hall from now on. 

Organiser Michael Eavis has provisionally booked Pilton Sports & Leisure Centre for June 21st to 25th 2017, citing its roof, sprung wooden floors and refreshment facilities as reasons it will be a clear improvement.

Glastonbury veteran Tom Booker said: “This morning, as my welly was sucked from my foot by a bubbling, foetid pool of human waste, I asked myself: what sin would I be committing if I listened to this in a room with a ceiling?

“What has rock ’n’ roll got against ceilings?

“A farm is a bloody ridiculous place to listen to music. At least the cows get to stay in a barn for the three days. I yearn for a barn.”

Eavis said: “One time in 1970, after a spliff, I looked out at my back garden and thought ‘You know, T. Rex should play there’.

“It’s not my fault people agreed with me. I don’t know why they did.”

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Sharp drop in number of old ladies being helped across the road

THE number of old ladies being helped to cross British streets has plummeted since Friday.

Across the country, elderly women on pavements have found it harder to appeal to the kindness of a young passer-by.

Seventy-nine-year-old Margaret Gerving, from Bristol, said: “I started off looking a bit helpless and then actively requested assistance. The first two young people ignored me. The third one said I should ‘phone Michael Gove’ and the fourth one told me to ‘piss up a rope’.

“They’re just assuming I voted ‘Leave’. They’re absolutely right, but they should at least ask me first.

“Young people in this country really don’t care about the interests of the elderly.”

Gerving added: “Eventually this Romanian chap helped me across the road. I made sure I kept a tight hold on my shopping bag.”