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'Go on Liam, say something about Noel'

LIAM Gallagher has been challenged to respond to his brother’s compliments toward him by opening up and saying the first thing that comes to mind. 

After Noel said Liam had been ‘amazing’ and was ‘smashing it’, the younger sibling has been encouraged by the media to find a microphone, let words come out in a torrent and worry about what the words mean later.

Oasis fan and journalist Jules Cook said: “We’ve pretty much finished the UK and Ireland dates. There’s nothing to lose.

“Why not a few words on his guitar-playing? His haircut? His friendships with rock icons who you may have a somewhat different view of? Why hold back?

“Maybe you’ll say nothing but lovely things, after al he did. Perhaps the grudges you nursed for 20 years aren’t still seething in your hominid brain, yearning for release.

“In your youthful wisdom you knew being thrown off a ferry to the Netherlands was more rock ’n’ roll than playing a sold-out gig in Amsterdam. What could be more rock ’n’ roll than blowing off four continents of a world tour? Start talking… now.”

Liam said: “Our kid, right, he’s a proper mardy f**king–” before a roadie put a bag over his head and he instantly fell asleep.

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Your salary safe from inflation, reassure bosses

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed. 

Businesses have rushed to comfort their workers by guaranteeing their salaries will be ring-fenced from a rise in inflation which will, thankfully, only push up the price of everything else.

Boss Martin Bishop said: “Don’t worry about those big scary numbers in the news. We’re labouring tirelessly to keep your wage static.

“In these turbulent economic times, it’s an employer’s duty to shield their staff from the vicissitudes of the wider economy. Your pay will stay nice and steady, exactly where it was in 2020.

“Unfortunately there will be price rises in the canteen – the cost of food’s gone up, you see – and other key indices will be affected, like how much unpaid overtime we ask you to work or how often you’ll retreat to the loo and question your life choices. Both going up.

“But our promise to you is that no matter how much inflation goes up, even if it hits double figures, is your pay will remain the same. As reward for this stability, I’ll request a 20 per cent rise in my own pay to the board which they will gratefully approve.”

Fork-lift driver Wayne Hayes said: “This is such a relief. I was really worried I’d be able to afford the basics like food and shelter.”

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