How to make a documentary about benefits scroungers

DOCUMENTARIES about people claiming benefits are as popular with Channel 5 viewers as ever, but could you make one ? Follow our guide: 

Never pick normal people who happen to be unemployed

Anyone out of work by chance, applying for jobs and attending regular interviews isn’t a real benefit claimant. Only feature obese goths bereft of any common sense who spend their housing benefit on tattoos and frozen mice for their enormous pet snake.

Encourage viewers to sneer

TV is great for highlighting details of doleys’ lives that make viewers feel immeasurably superior. Use lingering close-ups of tasteless ornaments, or show them making pasta with ketchup because they were brought up in care and not a nice middle-class home like you.

Use comedy music 

Are your gormless, tracksuited chav subjects going to a hospital appointment? Magistrates’ court? The food bank? A jaunty, ironic soundtrack really brings out the humour in their feckless lack of self-control.

Look out for mental health issues

While you’ll need to carefully edit to make it seem like it’s their own fault, mental illness is TV gold. Clinical depression is bound to cause aggro down the job centre, and those with a slender grasp on reality may even believe they’re real TV celebrities like Holly Willoughby, the hilarious nutters!

Ask them about immigrants 

Benefits documentary participants have complained about being asked about immigration when they hadn’t mentioned it themselves. But they are selfish fools who fail to understand that viewers feel less guilty about laughing at the underclass if they are a bit racist.

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Boris Johnson searching UK for place he won't get a boll*cking

THE prime minister is searching the whole of Britain to find a location he can visit without a member of the public tearing him a new ars*hole. 

Boris Johnson has so far been boll*cked in Doncaster, Luxembourg, Morley, Whipps Cross University Hospital, Westminster, Rotherham and Dublin, and experts believe that nowhere is safe.

A Downing Street source said: “He’s alright if he stays indoors and we filter the Facebook comments before they reach him. Otherwise he’s f**ked.

“It’s been a steep learning curve because he’s used to turning up and being fawned over by d**kheads impressed by posh boys and delighted to swallow silly lies.

“However, now he’s actually got to go out and meet some ordinary people, he’s realising that being Prime Minister means a large chunk of the population think you’re a twat and aren’t afraid to say so.

“He can’t go to Scotland because he’s technically illegal there, the North clearly hates him, Wales is far from keen, and even in the Home Counties he gets kicked in the nuts for not being as Brexit as Farage.

“His own home? No, that’ll be no good. That’s where he gets the biggest boll*ckings of all.”