Human rights groups rally to stop newsreaders' Children in Need sketch

CAMPAIGNERS are working desperately to stop BBC News broadcasters performing a Strictly skit in this year’s upcoming Children In Need show.

The threatened routine will take place on November 18th unless Human Rights activists secure enough signatures to prevent it.

Campaign organiser Wayne Hayes said: “It may be for a very good cause, but if George Alagiah puts on sequins and performs a mutant hokey-cokey to 9 To 5, the nation’s psyche will be irreparably damaged.

“Many UK viewers are still struggling to come to terms with previous newsreader Children In Need routines, which featured Fiona Bruce dressed as Lady Gaga and a suspender-clad Andrew Marr doing the time warp.

“During the latter performance, casualty wards were inundated with people whose toes had curled so rapidly and severely that their feet were inverted. One man in Rotherham cringed so hard that it triggered a lethal muscle spasm.

It’s unclear why raising money for Children in Need has become synonymous with newsreader cabaret, although Hayes believes the tradition harks back to the middle ages.

He said: “On certain festival days, town criers would don an amusing green headwear and sing songs.

“However, these displays did not require the participants to dance to the Grease Megamix in an ill-advised skin-tight outfit. For which they probably would’ve been strung upside down and sliced in half while angry villagers pelted them with rotten fruit.

Hayes added: “There is a rumour that Alan Sugar may also appear, pretending to be very angry and pointing his finger at James Corden.

“If that happens, god help us all. Especially the children.”



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New Bond film to involve large amounts of paperwork

THE new Bond film will feature unprecedented levels of admin, according to its makers.

Skyfall will follow James Bond as he looks to broaden his CV with experience in line management and budget-setting for the Met Office.

Director Sam Mendes, who denied the new bureaucracy-heavy direction was influenced by a reduced production budget, said: “The story opens with M stopping Bond from publishing figures for the annual mean rainfall for Carlisle.

“He goes rogue and releases the data at a meteorology convention in Penge, with departmentally explosive results.”

“I don’t want to reveal too much of the plot but I’ll just say two words – ‘disciplinary’ and ‘hearing’.”

Star Daniel Craig has completed a punishing six-month regime of measuring average precipitation – then collating the data into a detailed report – in preparation for the highly bureaucratic thriller.

Other possible indications of cost savings are the replacement of the iconic Aston Martin with a 2002 Ford Focus pool car for which the former spy has a petrol card, and the announcement of Michaela Strachan as the film’s key love interest.

Q will still provide gadgets to help Bond complete his mission, but fans may be disappointed to learn that one of them is a back support for his swivel chair.

Daniel Craig said “I’m going to be spending the next four months pretending to look at Powerpoint presentations and frowning a lot. 

“It’s far more authentic and gritty than any of that camp old Bond nonsense like shagging supermodels in zero gravity, I think audiences will appreciate that.”