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Ideal if you love masturbating to evil in an empty cinema: We review the Melania movie

A MULTI-MILLION dollar documentary about Melania, the woman lucky enough to be the wife of president Trump, has been released. Here’s our review:

You can’t police your libido. Sometime, you’re erotically triggered by that which you know to be wrong, whether choking or calling your partner a dirty little Presbyterian whore.

So if you’re one of those people who, despite yourself, always finds your eye lingering over the curves of Eva Braun when watching The World At War or fantasises about Imelda Marcos grinding her shoe collection into your groin? This could be for you.

A documentary, but not one of those interested in facts, Melania follows the first lady through her husband’s inauguration and return to the White House. Directed by a man accused of sexual assault and featured in the Epstein files, not that it’s relevant.

Given that Melania avoids her husband, does none of the moving herself, has no official role and neither speaks nor shows emotion, it’s a tough watch. So little happens it’s almost a highbrow arthouse feature such as MAGA hates.

However, for those of us turned on by the intense humming of evil, it’s fantastically lubricious. So many outfits! Such posing! Such a carelessly blind eye turned to the white supremacists grifters cosplaying as a cabinet!

And if, like me, you’re as hard as a boron carbide drill bit at such tailored callousness, then good news: the screening won’t be as crowded as for liberal spectacles like Avatar. You can whap it out and wank as if this were a Times Square cinema in 1972.

I myself came to several climaxes, the last being during the inaugural ball which was like the Nuremberg trials set to music. I must thank Cineworld for providing such a capacious popcorn bucket.

Verdict: Five stars, if there’s something very, very wrong with you. Otherwise none.

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'It helped them learn history': Six pathetic excuses for term-time holidays by parents

FINES for taking children on term-time holidays have hit a record high, so all the more reason to pretend it was a vital experience and not just arsing around somewhere hot. Try these excuses:

‘It improved their language skills’

So which obscure backwater where not a soul speaks English did you go to? Oh. Benidorm. And even if you’re a middle-class parent making your kids speak fragments of the local lingo to show off to your friends later, it’s unlikely Ollie will be basing a high-flying multilingual diplomatic career solely on ‘Spaghetti, per favore’.

‘It helped them learn history’

Yes, the Battle of Naseby, the Yalta Conference, the Cuban Missile Crisis – they all took place in the South of France. Except they didn’t, so you’re either lying or giving your kids tedious history lessons while they’re on f**king holiday. Are you sure you’re not just telling them obvious factoids like ‘The Romans were here once’ while you get pissed on wine tours in Bordeaux?

‘It reduced their screen time’

There’s no denying that not looking at a screen reduces your screen time. Cynics might say there are broader issues of behaviour and parenting you need to address, but no, your holiday has taken care of it. When you get home your kids will be bitterly complaining: ‘Aw mum, Fortnite is shit compared to slowly walking through a cathedral!’

‘They learned about climate change’ 

What did you do, set them the task of measuring the rise in sea level every day with a micrometer on your fortnight-long holiday? Unless you went to the Arctic and watched ice shelves collapsing it’s incredibly hard to demonstrate global warming practically, so if anything they’ll wonder what you’re going on about. Well done, you have turned your child into a climate sceptic. 

‘It taught them life skills’

It’s unlikely a small child has learned many practical skills from a holiday unless you got them to book the hotel, sort out travel insurance and arrange the flight, in which case – you idiot. Parental enthusiasm for life skills also tends to diminish if you ask them: would you prefer Josh studies books and gets a place at Oxford and a job with KPMG, or bums around the world doing random shit like working on a llama farm and smoking weed?  

‘It’s vital family bonding time’

True, but it implies your family are strangers unless you’ve got a superficial activity like playing with a beachball to bring you together. Although you will experience a strong sense of honour among thieves when you proudly inform your kids that a £160 fine from the local authority is f**k all compared to what it would have cost going in July.

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