ARE you an idiot who can’t help but ramp up the jeopardy if you’re stopped by the police? Make sure to do the following instead of meekly suggesting you shouldn’t get a ticket.

Avoid interaction entirely 

They can’t question you while you’re asleep, right? And you nodded off just as you pulled over, which your comedy snoring indicates. Alternatively, fake death with your tongue hanging out as if you’re hoping the police officer will feel there’s nothing more to be done and drive off. These pitiful ploys are likely to get you dragged to the station when the bored copper was just planning a stern word. Result!

Make it impossible to hear them

To really wind up an attending officer rev the engine loudly each time they speak and pretend you can’t hear them. Turning up your painful dubstep is also good. Or for a laugh drive the car forward or backwards a metre as you’re being spoken to, like you do every time your mates attempt to get in the car. Only as you’re being cuffed remember it’s funnier with your mates because they don’t have the power of arrest.

Claim to be someone else

Many options here. Adopt a hilarious mock foreign language. Tell the officer it’s okay, because you’re a police officer too. A chief constable, actually. Or you could try the old celebrity chestnut ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ If you get bored of these charades and just want to get on with your journey now, simply say: ‘I am the Worshipful Master Mason of the Romford Lodge.’ On your way, brother.

Mimic the officer

For real anger inducement, try mimicking the officer. Repeat every word back in a high-pitched, whiney voice like a bratty child. God that’s annoying. Is police brutality much of a thing these days? You’re about to find out.

Lie

Spin a ridiculous yarn. Yes, you were speeding, but that’s because a Beast of Bodmin ran into the road and you think Eastern European drug dealers are trying to kill you in a case of mistaken identity and you need to get to the hospital because you can’t miss the birth of your octuplets. Such bollocks should escalate the situation from a caution to a court case, and the judge’s sneering comments will be like your own episode of Judge John Deed.

Get emotional

Popular on 24 Hours in Police Custody, which augurs well. Angrily ask the officer if they have nothing better to do, since you pay their wages. Do use the phrase ‘out catching murderers and rapists’. Alternatively turn on the waterworks, as feeble amateur dramatics are deeply irritating. The only problem is police officers spend half their time calming down overwrought twats with weird problems, so they might just go into a peaceful state of resigned Zen.

Gaslight

In a classic wanker move, question the officer’s version of reality: ‘What car, officer? I think you’re seeing things.’ The worst that can happen is a caution for wasting police time. Unless they get into the spirit of hilariously trying it on, and get you sectioned and heavily sedated for the next 30 years.