John Lewis advert ‘condones penguin sex trafficking’

THE John Lewis Christmas advert has been condemned for promoting the trade in penguin sex slaves.

The commercial tells the story of a boy whose pet penguin is lonely, so he buys it a lady penguin to fuck.

Avian rights campaigner Mary Fisher said: “The female penguin even arrives, dazed and probably still drugged, in a gift-wrapped box.

“‘’Monty’ the horny male runs straight at her, she pretends to be into it but only because the kid has told her that if she doesn’t play ball he’ll feed her to next door’s German shepherd.

“You can tell from his expression that Monty is evil. God knows what that beady-eyed waddling pervert has in store for her.

“Female penguins should be allowed to have their own hopes and dreams. Boycott John Lewis.”

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Engineers warn ‘Cheesegrater’ building may be full of capitalist sociopaths

A LANDMARK office building in the City of London could be full of people who are basically werewolves, it has emerged.

Experts warned the Leadenhall Building, nicknamed the ’Cheesegrater’, posed a threat to both pedestrians and everybody in the world.

Structural engineer Martin Bishop said: “You can see from the outside that it’s an unsafe building because it was clearly designed to be attractive to utter fucking bastards.

“It’s all glass and steel and is just begging to be filled up with the sort of dynamic, immoral shit-heaps who are always just five minutes away from destroying absolutely everything.”

Julian Cook, an investment banker who works in the ‘Cheesegrater’, said: “We all go up the 23rd floor and drop large bolts onto the street.

“If you kill someone you get a million quid.”