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Kate would do a far better job of playing Meghan in film

MEGHAN Markle is to play herself in an upcoming film despite the fact the Princess of Wales would be far better for the role. 

The Duchess of Sussex, tone-deaf as ever to what the public wants, is to appear as herself in movie Close Personal Friends despite being completely wrong for the part.

Hollywood insider Gracie Wood-Morris said: “Meghan? As Meghan? What, did the casting director want the rest of the day off to snort coke?

“Maybe in 2016, but the Meghan of today carries too much baggage. The socials hate her, she doesn’t sell in the UK, and the lifestyle brand has tanked. Even as a cameo it’s desperate.

“No, if they want a Royal with looks, poise and mystique there’s only one choice to play Meghan and that’s her sister-in-law. Kate is an English rose, she’s got that marvellous mane, she tests well in the Midwest and the pegging rumours add vital edge.

“Can she act? Based on her public appearances as a Royal, she’s wooden, stilted and unconvincing as an actress. Like I said, a natural Meghan.”

A spokesman for the Princess of Wales said: “Kate is interested. And, so the film can never be released and forever associates the name of Meghan Markle with financial disaster, she’s willing to black up for it.”

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He's actually straight, and other things Alan Carr has been lying about

BEING a traitor isn’t the only thing Alan Carr has been lying about. Here is the disturbing truth about one of TV’s most beloved stars.

He’s actually straight

Even people with finely-tuned gaydar could be forgiven for thinking that Alan Carr isn’t straight, so nuanced is the subtle persona he puts on. The toll of maintaining this facade is exhausting for poor Carr though, so at the end of the day he loves nothing more than to get into a big bed with his harem of buxom swimsuit models. He’s earned it.

He has 20/20 vision

Don’t let his comically large glasses fool you. Alan Carr actually has the keen-eyed vision of a fighter pilot, and in fact he used to be a flying ace for the Royal Air Force before landing his cushy telly gigs. The only reason he wears silly specs now is to hide his identity from angry husbands of all the military wives he shagged.

That’s not his real voice

An obvious one when you think about it. Most human beings, with the notable exception of Joe Pasquale, don’t speak in such a reedy tone unless they’re a voice actor pretending to be a little timid mouse character. At home Carr sounds more like Brian Blessed, but he had to adopt a gimmicky alternative to stand out in the crowded media landscape.

He’s an incredibly shy introvert

Alan Carr’s deception is so total that you’d never guess he’s actually a retiring wallflower whose social battery drains quickly around other people. After wrapping on The Celebrity Traitors, he will need to take five years off to recover and won’t be seen on our screens again until 2030 at the earliest. Do not approach him if you see him out and about in the meantime, for his health.

He’s not called Alan Carr

According to his birth certificate he was originally christened Silas McFartface, but Equity barred him from using it due to a Death in Paradise extra having the same name. However he hopes to one day pass on the proud McFartface family name when one of the many women he’s dating is ready to settle down.

He’s not giving the Traitor’s prize pot to charity

Carr’s crowning betrayal is that he will be pocketing the £87,500 prize money instead of giving it to Neuroblastoma UK. The tears that rolled down his face during last night’s finale were not a sign of remorse, but in fact signalled his huge relief at finally being able to afford a new marble counter top for his kitchen. ‘Those things ain’t cheap,’ he laughingly told reporters in a deep, gruff voice.

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