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Elon Musk to find money cannot buy happiness on hitherto unprecedented scale

THE $1 trillion pay award given to Elon Musk will enable him to learn money cannot buy happiness on a scale never before imagined.

Already the world’s richest man, the shareholder-approved pay deal – £760 billion in sterling – means Musk can throw truly unparalleled amounts of cash at failing to bring joy to his black, shrivelled heart.

He said: “There is nothing this money cannot do. Except one thing, obviously, that I will spend all of it and the rest of my life discovering.

“I will create a legion of sexbots so realistic not even her own mother will be able to tell them apart from Sydney Sweeney. I will create a simulated reality in which Tommy Robinson rules England justly, fairly and with maximum bigotry.

“I will purchase a whole country – Argentina, I’m thinking – and become its despot. All will live by my laws. The Aconcagua mountain will be carved into a 20,000 replica of my face like a Bond villain, but ironically because I’m actually a really funny guy.

“Finally, myself and my sexbots will colonise Mars. And once there, I shall gaze back at the distant Earth and understand more thoroughly than any powerful man before me has that, truly, there is one thing money cannot purchase.

“Then I’ll die, a lasting monument to human misery 140 million miles from home. I hope it’s the first thing aliens find so they know what pathetic twats we are.”

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Gobshit, and other swears I will be using to sound hard. By Robert Jenrick

SHADOW justice secretary Robert Jenrick has proved his hard man credentials by saying ‘bullshit’ on Good Morning Britain. Here he lists other profanities he is prepared to use. 

Muff 

Polite society be damned – a rugged alpha leader of men like myself must sometimes resort to the language of the gutter. Although like ‘bullshit’, it might be less scathing if I am immediately told off like a naughty toddler by Kate Garraway.

Gobshit

A man of the world like me knows all the swear words, and I’ve already used this to shame our lying, incompetent chancellor Rachel Reeves. ‘You’re a gobshit!’ I shouted at her. ‘Sorry?’ she said. I bet she was, after a dressing down like that!

Vagina

One of the worst swear words, and who isn’t scared of vaginas? It gives me the shudders thinking about what monstrous things might be lurking in there. I’ve seen The Descent.

Poop chute

‘Ed Miliband is talking out of his poop chute!’ I’ll say. Obviously not in front of him. You should confront your enemies behind their backs, as Sun Tzu probably said. And yes, I am exactly the sort of wanker who owns The Art of War. But you knew that already.

Bollogs

This well-known swear word is ideal for mocking my opponents’ policies. ‘What a load of bollogs!’ I will sneer at Labour ministers regardless of what they’re proposing. They will look so stupid!

Mimsy

The worst of all swear words, and I’m saving it for when I am Tory leader and locked in a clash of the titans with Keir Starmer. ‘You chuffing mimsy!’ I’ll shout. He won’t know what to say to that.

Knackers

Deep obscene, certainly, but with Britain besieged by eco-fanatics, transsexuals and Bob Vylan, it is time for straight talking. Because it will be too late when the knackers hit the fan.

Drokk 

‘Isn’t that what Judge Dredd said because they couldn’t swear in a comic?’ asked my wife. Precisely. As my one-man clampdown on fare dodgers proved, I am very much the real-life Judge Dredd, and if you disagree you can drokk off!

Front bottom

When someone uses a serious swear like this you know they mean business. I too will leave my opponents in no doubt that they are talking to a badass muthafluffer. 

Gaylord 

At school we would reduce smaller boys to tears with this biting profanity. Is it homophobic? I don’t care. The LGBTQ+ community have been making our police cars gay for too long.

Winkie

A foul swear word only used by the hardest of men. Hard men like me. Men who aren’t afraid to get other people to paint over traumatised refugee children’s comforting Disney cartoons. That’s how hard I am. Fear me.

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