Leicester named 2016 City of No Culture

LEICESTER has been named as next year’s UK anti-arts city.

The aim of the designation is to promote scepticism, ridicule and hatred of any from of art that is not obviously popular.

The initiative, which began in 2012, sees Leicester follow in the footsteps of Leeds, Gillingham and Burnley.

Curator Norman Steele said: “Events will include ‘Proper Painting’, featuring pictures of old churches and that sort of thing.

“We’ll also have an exhibition of finger paintings by toddlers entitled ‘Still Better Than That Rothko Bollocks’.”

Stage events include Shakespeare in Codpieces, featuring actors performing famous scenes in clothes that were probably worn in the 16th century, rather than suits and ties ‘and stuff like that’.

Meanwhile Leicester city hall will host a series of readings entitled ‘Books People Actually Buy’, featuring excerpts from the latest Top Gear Annual and Sharon Osbourne’s autobiography.

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Lying bastard iPhone said it had 12 percent battery left

A LYING bastard of an iPhone claimed it had at least 12 percent battery life left before dying two minutes later.

Tom Logan revealed he was on a night out straight from work and did not have the chance to charge his phone, but checked saw it had a ’reasonable chunk’ of battery life remaining.

Logan said: “Twelve percent, clear as day. Not eight, not four. Twelve. Anyway, I thought ‘great, that should see me through as long as I don’t spend all night twatting about on Facebook’.

“As soon as we got to the pub I checked my phone and it was dead. Stone cold dead. I felt betrayed and manipulated.

“It was like being in the presence of pure evil.”

Logan said he plugged in his phone when he got back to his flat to discover he had no missed calls or texts.

He added: “It’s the principle of the thing.”