Mercury award boosts band's illegal download figures

MERCURY winners Alt-J are already seeing a seven-fold increase in the number of times their album is digitally stolen.

Music fan Tom Logan said: “Seeing them win the award inspired me to get their record for free.

“I might even listen to it one day, after I’ve waded through all the other music I haven’t paid for.

“Anyway, good luck to them.”



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Apple and Samsung to marry

APPLE and Samsung have announced the world’s first corporate wedding.

The two companies have been suing and counter-suing each other for years, which was actually just an expensive form of flirtation.

Technologist Carolyn Ryan said: “The lawsuits were the corporate equivalent of schoolboys pulling the hair of girls they fancy.

“IT companies are, by their nature, socially awkward. But Samsung always thought Apple was hot, and now Apple’s looks are starting to fade it wants a reliable, financially secure partner that will keep it in nice things.”

Stephen Fry will conduct the service, during which the happy companies will promise to love each other for richer or for even richer before exchanging ringtones.

Ryan said: “The wedding speeches will be read by Siri, and guests will be relieved to hear that Samsung, not Apple, will provide directions to the venue.”

Apple fan Tom Booker said: “Samsung is definitely punching above its weight. Still, what can you do?

“At least it lets me move on from my obsession with Apple and transfer my feelings to human females.”