Britain remains hopelessly divided over Tiswas and Swap Shop

THE middle-aged are still divided into opposing camps of kids who watched Tiswas and kids who watched Multi-Coloured Swap Shop. 

Despite attempts to mediate and find common ground between the two, anyone aged between 40 and 50 can tell instantly whether peers are Tiswas or Swap Shop and befriend or shun them accordingly.

Stephen Malley of Watford said: “Tiswas? Anarchic, fun-loving, unafraid to break rules. My kind of people.

“Swap Shop? Self-righteous, parsimonious bores who get nervous if they’re not being patronised by someone in authority. I won’t employ them, I won’t live next to them, and they’re without doubt unimaginative lovers.

“Sally James or Maggie Philbin? Come on. Some choices are who you are.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The bitter cultural sectarian divide between nasty, bubblegum-chewing louts who laugh at gunge tanks and stuck-up swots delighted by the clever joke of Posh Paws’s name is deeper than ever.

“This is more fundamental than Labour versus Tory, Leave versus Remain, IRA versus UDA. This is a generation polarised by their Saturday morning choices, their differences unreconcilable for life.”

Brubaker added: “Lenny Henry was on Tiswas. What did you sad fucks have? John Craven?”