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Middle-aged man at gig dancing with arms folded

A MAN in his mid-40s is enjoying a gig by dancing with his arms firmly crossed, it has emerged.

Julian Cook is expressing his enjoyment of the latest band getting heavy airplay on 6Music via a dance that involves gently swaying on the spot while tightly crossing his arms across his chest.

Cook, 46, said: “I hope my defensive posture and emotionless expression don’t give the performers the wrong idea. I’m actually having an incredible time.

“It may look standoffish, but gently bobbing back and forth with your arms folded is the equivalent of voguing for a 40-something bloke. In fact it’s even better because you can do it while holding a pint.

“Besides, what else am I supposed to do with my arms? Throw my hands in the air and make gang signs? That’d look even more ridiculous than the strange, unfriendly jig I’m currently doing.

“If you want to give this move a go, it’s really easy. You can even sneak in some practise while you’re waiting for the bus. The trick is to limit movement to your legs, like when you’re lifting a really heavy box.”

Teenage audience member Jack Browne said: “I’m glad I don’t look stupid like that. I prefer to stand still while watching the entire gig through my phone with the brightness on maximum.”

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'First we secure the beer kegs': Pete Hegseth's Greenland invasion plans

THE US is stepping up its threats to seize Greenland, but secretary of war Pete Hegseth has a habit of leaking top secret information. Here he casually shares his strategy.

US Navy SEALs to secure the beer supply

Special forces will capture the two bars in Nuuk I found on Google Maps last night, plus any hotels that serve alcoholic drinks. One of these will be designated my forward command post, depending on the range of bar snacks available.

Dogs to be taken out with extreme prejudice

Intelligence from the President’s Truth Social posts tells me Greenland’s main defences are ‘two dog sleds’. Once satellites have located any dogs near sledges they will be attacked by several waves of B-2 stealth bombers loaded with 500lb bombs, followed by flights of Apache attack helicopters to obliterate any remaining bits of fur.

Amphibious landing 

Hundreds of amphibious assault vehicles will swarm ashore followed by Abrams battle tanks, with F-35s and AC-130 Spectres providing air cover. Meanwhile I will put on a valour-stealing Army Rangers uniform and get my funny little mini-quiff gelled just right for the cameras. It will be a magnificent display of hair styling.

Personally inspect troops for fatties

As troops scramble to find defensible positions in unfamiliar territory, I will personally order them to stop while I check their body mass index. Anyone deemed fat will have to put down their weapon and do 200 press-ups, because I am a true professional soldier.

Announce ‘Mission accomplished’

An hour after the invasion began, I will hold a press conference where I prematurely slur the words ‘Mission accomplished!’ as shots begin to ring out nearby. Thanks to years of training, I will bravely lead my bottle of whiskey to safety.

Remember Denmark has an army

Denmark may well have sent a significant force from its 8,000-strong, modern army to Greenland, but this will have slipped my mind due to being a lazy, arrogant shithead who is drunk half the time. The result will be a costly counter-attack resulting in thousands of US casualties. But I’ll blame it on naysayers in the media, as if military operations die if people don’t believe in them, like fairies. 

Actual pointless victory 

Once Danish troops are forced to accept a ceasefire, I will survey the 80-per-cent-ice territory I have conquered. I will ask the question we must ask of all wars: was it worth it? The answer will be a resounding ‘yes’ because it will have temporarily distracted people from the Epstein files and I’ll have been able to cosplay as a real soldier like the utter dick I am. God bless America!

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