Music charts to include songs that pop into your head

THE top 40 will take into account songs that pop into your head for no reason, it has been announced.

After recently being changed to include streaming, the UK charts will now also include tunes that appear in your brain due to completely unfathomable mental processes.

An Official Charts Company spokesman said: “The criteria for entering the charts now include things like remembering your ex liked Will Smith and then having Wild Wild West stuck in your head all fucking day.

“It’s already having an impact on the charts. Thanks to a number of random rememberings, the current UK number one is the 1982 hit Centerfold by the J Geils Band.

“You know, the one that goes ‘na-na-na-na-na-na’ about a bloke who’s unhappy because his girlfriend’s in Razzle, or something.

“The new system means next week’s number one could be anything from Phil Collins’ 1985 hit Sussudio to You Can’t Get Better Than A Kwik Fit Fitter. This is a very exciting time for music.”

However, critics pointed out that the songs which pop into your head were usually the ones that made people wish they had been born deaf.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “It’d be ok if it was the Beatles or Radiohead, but it’s always things like This Beat Is Technotronic going round my head like a malevolent brain parasite.

“In Bruges was on the other night and thanks to a convoluted unconscious thought process involving Colin Farrell and Miami Vice, I caused Smuggler’s Blues by Glenn Frey to re-enter the top 40.”

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UK hails most middle class day of sport ever

BRITAIN has enjoyed its most polite day of sport since records began. 

As pleasant people hit a ball around a beautifully maintained bit of lawn, handsome young men took a drive around the Northamptonshire countryside.

Meanwhile Tour de France organisers have been asked whether middle class spectators can follow the peloton on their own bikes with their kids, pointing out interesting plants that they see along the way.

Nice sports fan Nikki Hollis said: “It was lovely to watch well-groomed people exerting themselves in pastimes that don’t involve spitting or telling each other to eff off, like that awful business going on in Brazil.

“Just the sort of thing one wants to have on in the background while reading the Sunday Times.”