New rollercoaster guaranteed to kill you

THEME park Alton Towers has unveiled a new rollercoaster so extreme that it guarantees no rider will survive the experience.

The worst bit is when the screaming stops

The worst bit is when the screaming stops

The Slaughterer exerts a G-force higher than sub-orbital flight, and has a final deceleration sudden enough to inflict major blunt force trauma.

An Alton Towers spokesman said: “From the vacuum that collapses your lungs to the cranial implosion to the sheer psychological trauma of the whole experience, you’ll die six different ways on the Slaughterer.

“And our cameras, with split-second timing, will capture the very moment you expire so you can have it put on a mug, mouse mat, or keyring. To complete your day out we offer a total death package including a will-writing service and burial in a novelty coffin.”

24-year-old Emma Bradford said: “My boyfriend went on it and in the picture you can see the exact moment his soul left his body, it’s a sort of greyish blob.

“Some people reckon it’s puke but I know better.”

The ride follows attractions like Obliterate, which slams riders straight into the ground at 98mph and lets their family keep their severed limbs as souvenirs, and the Sadistic World of Willy Wonka which leaves children catatonic for six to eight weeks.

Construction worker Tom Booker said: “I waited for hours and didn’t even get on the ride. It was a complete waste of a day, even if I did lose an eye on the spinning teacups.”