New rollercoaster guaranteed to kill you

THEME park Alton Towers has unveiled a new rollercoaster so extreme that it guarantees no rider will survive the experience.

The Slaughterer exerts a G-force higher than sub-orbital flight, and has a final deceleration sudden enough to inflict major blunt force trauma.

An Alton Towers spokesman said: “From the vacuum that collapses your lungs to the cranial implosion to the sheer psychological trauma of the whole experience, you’ll die six different ways on the Slaughterer.

“And our cameras, with split-second timing, will capture the very moment you expire so you can have it put on a mug, mouse mat, or keyring. To complete your day out we offer a total death package including a will-writing service and burial in a novelty coffin.”

24-year-old Emma Bradford said: “My boyfriend went on it and in the picture you can see the exact moment his soul left his body, it’s a sort of greyish blob.

“Some people reckon it’s puke but I know better.”

The ride follows attractions like Obliterate, which slams riders straight into the ground at 98mph and lets their family keep their severed limbs as souvenirs, and the Sadistic World of Willy Wonka which leaves children catatonic for six to eight weeks.

Construction worker Tom Booker said: “I waited for hours and didn’t even get on the ride. It was a complete waste of a day, even if I did lose an eye on the spinning teacups.”

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Fast & Furious 6 ‘totally homosexual’

FAST & Furious 6 is aimed exclusively at a gay audience, its makers have revealed.

Although the movie features car chases and incredible stunts, there are no female characters and it contains large amounts of explicit gay sex.

Director Justin Lin said: “We decided it was time for a new direction, because the last thing we wanted was for the Fast & Furious movies to become formulaic and repetitive.

“So in this installment the characters attempt to take down a mercenary organisation with its HQ in a leather bar called Teddybears’ Picnic. The Rock, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker have to kiss each other with tongues to gain entry but afterwards realise they liked it.

“We’ve seamlessly interwoven the action and all-male love scenes, so it’s impossible to watch the high-octane chases without also seeing men kissing, fondling each other in the shower and enjoying post-coital cuddles.

“Paul Walker smashes a car through the nose cone of an exploding plane while getting a hand job off The Rock, which is both thrilling and incredibly arousing.

“In an earlier draft of the script we did have some lesbian scenes, but we decided they detracted from the film’s core theme of male homosexuality.”

Fast and Furious fan and test audience member Tom Logan said: “Based on previous instalments, I expect to have a boner throughout the entire movie.

“And weirdly, I did. Now I’m going to take down all the Maxim posters on my bedroom wall and redecorate tastefully.”