Noel Fielding's guide to dressing like a deranged indie grandmother

HI, I’m Noel Fielding, the quasi-Goth comedian who confused everyone by turning up on Bake Off. Here are my everyday fashion tips for all occasions.

Presenting a nationally-loved baking show

When appearing with Pru Leith in her blocky 80s primary colours, it’s best to think minimalist – something elegant and understated, like an oversized bright red angora jumper coming down to my knees and adorned with crocheted sticking-out tongues. A style classic.

Getting a Nando’s

Nando’s calls for something with ease of movement for easy soft drinks refills. I suggest stacked black boots and a red cape decorated with mini felt coronavirus bobbles, for easy swooping between tables. 

Being team captain on Never Mind the Buzzcocks

The ideal time for a series of silk shirts that make you look like an 80s band member crossed with Dracula after a heavy night’s drinking. Complete the look with a classic accessory, such as a Brownie’s necktie or a pair of furry ear muffs. Thick, badly-applied eyeliner is optional.

Popping to Asda

You don’t want to stick out in the local Asda because you never know when a kid is going to shout ‘Cake wanker!’ and throw an orange at you, so go for something discreet and practical such as a silk camisole in baked bean print topped with an Astrakhan puffa jacket, a top hat and twirly cane. 

Dental check-up

Many people dread the dentist’s, so it’s Important not to scare anyone in the waiting room. A full skeleton costume and a waistcoat embroidered with teeth, along with some fire-engine red cowboy boots, should do the trick nicely. 

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Five public services you don't actually need, by Jeremy Hunt

GOOD morning, plebs. You’re going to hear a lot about cuts to public services today. Let me, Jeremy Hunt, explain why you don’t really need these.


Where does reading a load of books and graduating from university get you? Deep in debt, thanks to us, and on the dole. Letting schools and libraries fall into disrepair will save millions, and it’s not like you need qualifications to toil in the giant Amazon warehouse we’re turning the country into.

Waste management

In these lean economic times you shouldn’t be throwing anything away. Mouldy food? Hold your nose and swallow it down. Cardboard and plastic? These can be fashioned into makeshift clothes if you have a positive ‘make do and mend’ attitude. Even those Gü ramekins you’re needlessly stockpiling could be turned into hats for winter.

Postal services

It’s all online these days, even the energy bill you’re dreading opening. Okay, all the pointless crap you drunkenly buy on Amazon at 2am has to be delivered, but that will be taken care of by drones that don’t go on strike. If only we could replace train drivers with robots. There’d be a few glitches, but we could live with constant rail disasters for a short period of, say, 20 years.

Water supplies

Have you seen the state of the brown, shit-infested waters lapping at our shores? Do you really want that piped directly into your home? Instead I recommend buying bottled water and using that to bathe in, make a cup of tea with and flush away your excrement. Sounds ridiculous but there just isn’t a more logical solution.

Recreational facilities

Recreation? Who taught you that word? We’re planning to phase it out entirely by 2024 and make it punishable by public flogging. Every waking second should be dedicated to futile work like making bigger 4x4s or approving alcohol sales on self-service tills. Meanwhile public pools and parks will be converted into luxury apartments no one can afford. That’s fine because it’s not the wasteful public sector.