Only place in London you can shag a stranger is Strictly

THE only location in London where you can have casual sex with a member of a different household is now Strictly Come Dancing

Following the capital’s move to Tier 2 of Covid restrictions meaning households cannot mix indoors, more than four million single people have no option but to live vicariously through the couples illicitly f**king each other on Strictly.

Viewer Charlotte Phelps said: “I’d also like to see Clara Amfo grinding on some snake-hipped Spaniard, Jamie Laing banging one into Oti, and Nicola Adams turning that sexy Russian.

“And if Bill Bailey wants to get caught being blown in a dressing room by Rylan for the spin-off I think that’d be nice for the nation. Everyone loves a ruined marriage.

“This year, more than ever, they’ve all got to f**k. Because I’m not going to be getting any until spring.”

Judge Craig Revel Horwood said: “This series we are marking you entirely on affairs. Get to it.”

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Gammons already asking why you're not wearing a poppy

RUDDY-FACED patriots obsessed with the war are appalled to see you are not wearing a poppy yet and want to know why.

Despite Remembrance Sunday being almost a month away, Little Englanders are concerned that most people have not yet pinned a paper flower to their chest.

Norman Steele said: “I’ve already retrieved my poppy from my special poppy drawer and am wearing it with pride. I have another one for my pyjamas and will be buying more.

“Why isn’t everyone else doing the same? It’s not as if this solemn event has been co-opted by angry patriots and that makes people feel uneasy. There’s only one explanation – treachery.

“Even fetching BBC weather girl Carol Kirkwood appears to have forgotten our glorious victory over the Hun, and she’s the only reason I pay my licence fee.

“I’ve got until Remembrance Sunday to give woke snowflakes a piece of my mind and rant about us not speaking German. It’s what our ancestors who fought for freedom would have wanted.”

Steele’s son Craig said: “Isn’t speaking German quite useful? Looks like I’ll be buying a white poppy again just for the lulz.”