Original ‘hat bellend’ to sue Pharrell

JAY Kay from Jamiroquai is to sue Pharrell for copying his ‘overconfident bellend in a massive hat’ brand.

Jay Kay said: “Titting around in oversized headgear while also wearing a little half-smile is very much my thing.

“It brought me wealth, fame and a three-year relationship with Denise Van Outen.

“Before I came along in the mid-nineties, there was absolutely no market for a man in a stupid fucking hat acting like he’s the bollocks.”

Jay Kay’s lawyer, Norman Steele QC, said: “In addition to paying out $7 million in damages to my client, I will also be insisting that Mr Williams reduce the enormity and flamboyance of his headgear.

“A trilby would be acceptable but not in any fancy colours.”

Join us at ITV, undead stars tell Clarkson

STARS who left the BBC for ITV have beseeched Jeremy Clarkson to join them in the darkness.

The Top Gear presenter is considering jumping ship to the commercial broadcaster where he will live on forever as a shambling mockery of his former self.

Good Morning Britain presenter Susanna Reid said: “They will give you whatever you want, Jeremy. No matter what. 

“They told me I would never age, and I never will. But they didn’t tell me the terrible, terrible price.”

Jonathan Ross, who presents a terrifying Saturday night chat show from his coffin flanked by the cavorting skeletons of Trinny and Susannah, said: “Sign the contract, Jeremy. No, not in… ink. 

“You’ll need to use something a little more… vital if you want that money. There’s a cut-throat razor on the desk, next to the quill pen.”

Des Lynam, who now lives in the sewers still wearing the make-up from his final contractual appearance as CITV’s Happy Des the Clowny Clown, said: “Float some programme ideas, Jeremy. Oh yes, they’ll float. 

“We all float down here.”