Original ideas banned

ALL creative works must now be based on something else, it has been announced.

“A new/old/dark/light spin on the Batman universe”

After the success of the Batman spin-off Gotham, media companies have successfully lobbied the government to ban anything that involves financial or creative risk.

Writers may only create new characters if they end up getting eaten by zombies.

Film director Stephen Malley said: “Box office takings clearly show that the public dislikes new things and prefers retreads of ideas they are already familiar with, or even bored by.

“Another problem with original ideas is that highly paid creative people could injure their brains trying to think things up.

“Currently I’m working on yet another reboot of the origin story of Magneto from X-Men with slightly different camera angles.

“I’m also very excited by my upcoming film Star Wars Part IV: Part II, which retells the story from the point of view of the trumpeter in the cantina band.”

TV critic Donna Sheridan said: “This is a very exciting time to be a fan of totally derivative ideas.

“This weekend I’m going to settle down with Still Open All Fucking Hours and the box set of Smallville: A Different Farm To The One Where Superman Lives

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Morgan Freeman to play wise old man in movie to be decided later

MORGAN Freeman has agreed to appear in a wise, solemn but twinkling role in a film yet to be conceived.

The movie, which could be a superhero one, a zany romantic comedy or an animation for kids, will be anchored by the veteran star’s crinkled smile and dignified grey hair.

A DreamWorks spokesman said: “Morgan Freeman was the first person we thought of for this film, none of the rest of which has been thought of yet.

“He will be perfect as Sir Alex Ferguson, Inspector Morse, a blind cellist on the streets of Los Angeles, a talking truck or the Dead Kennedy’s Jello Biafra.

“An Academy Award? Well, we expect him at least to be nominated.”

The spokesman also confirmed that, whatever the movie, Freeman will be the only member of the cast who is not white.