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The Pussycat Dolls, and other bands way too old for their names

LATER this year, half an act that rode to fame on the popularity of lap-dancing will play UK arenas. Their combined age will be 137 but they hobble on regardless, as do these: 

Boyzone

Manufactured in 1993 to replace Take That, this Irish boy band featured five young men still emerging, blinking, from puberty. By their 20th anniversary they’ve been married, divorced, had kids, become grandfathers and have bad backs and buggered knees. Rising from a seated position now causes their voices to go up an octave entirely naturally.

The Pussycat Dolls

Stole their name from a celebrity burlesque troupe and now they’re stuck with it, aren’t they? Nicole Scherzinger’s brave break for solo stardom failed and now she’s back with the girls taking their PVC from city to city, trying not to notice their backing dancers being far more limber than they are.

Kid Rock

Actually was a kid when he started out, though as a rapper really should have called himself Kid Rap. Sadly, his career overcame this elementary error and he enjoyed several hits before turning to shit rock and becoming the court jester for the Trump administration. Was saluted by USAF troops in helicopters, in a clue as to where they will stand in the upcoming civil war.

New Kids On The Block

Formed in 1984 by the man forever known as Mark Wahlberg’s brother, they spawned a thousand boybands as it became clear teen girls would scream at anything because they don’t give a f**k. Remember that kid at your school who was acclaimed because he could do a 180 double peg grind on his BMX? Imagine that’s all he’d ever done and he was still doing it.

Boyz II Men

Forty years on, with not long before they transition from Men II Codgers, they harmonise their way around America’s corporate events and Las Vegas residencies. If they had the choice they’d be singing ballads about lawn care, the medications they take each morning and a moving number called No, Son, You May Not Borrow The Car. But they don’t.

Spice Girls

Not currently touring but it’s going to happen, as inevitably as the death of our sun. Baby Spice will be out there appreciating the irony. The audience will be there, wondering what the f**king hell happened to girl power now they’re all post-menopausal.

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This £5.50 pub beverage took the edge off my day - and boosted my confidence almost instantly

BY nutritionist Charlotte Phelps

I’M not exaggerating when I say a pint of Guinness cheered me right up and made the opposite sex appear more attractive. And you can buy one at pretty much every pub in any town.

I’ve tried every supplement and vitamin on the market, and none of them compare to 568ml of what users call ‘the black stuff’. It’s easy enough to order over the counter, and you can even treat yourself to a delicious packet of crisps at the same time.

The taste can be overwhelming on the first sip, but stick with it. By the time you’re halfway through you’ll start to feel its miraculous, feel-good hops coursing through your body. ‘The NHS should prescribe this for anxiety,’ you’ll think to yourself.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll have downed your pint before you realise it. But don’t worry. The positive wellbeing effects of Guinness are cumulative, which means the more you drink, the better you feel. Sounds too good to be true but it’s scientific fact.

For my research I necked 12 pints and I felt incredible. All of my money worries and personal troubles melted away for the first time in months. I was so happy I was dancing on the table and snogging complete strangers, whereas usually I’m something of a wallflower.

The rest of the night escapes me, but from the memories I can piece together I staggered through town sporting a traffic cone on my head and purged a kebab from my system onto the pavement. Neither of which I would have felt confident enough to do without Guinness.

Full transparency: in my experience Guinness can induce vomiting and nausea the next day, and start an addiction spiral that will ruin your life. Other than that though it’s a consequence-free ticket to a better life, just like Ozempic. Cheers!

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