Rappers who went a bit too far for my liking, by a Guardian reader

By Nathan Muir

WE all love the culturally vibrant art form that is rap, but it can be problematic for Guardian readers like myself. Here are some lyrics I feel the artists should consider revising.

Cop Killer, Ice-T and Bodycount

I understand BAME people’s frustration at perceived police harassment, but violence is never the solution. A more constructive lyric than ‘Die, die, die, pig, die!’ would be ‘Let’s set up a community liaison group to increase mutual understanding’. 

Black Korea, Ice Cube

I’m sorry, Mr Cube, but there is no excuse for stereotypes like: ‘So don’t follow me up and down your market/Or your little chop suey ass will be a target’. My partner Lucy and I adore Korean cuisine, and I can assure you there’s far more to it than ‘chop suey’!

Heart of the City, Jay-Z

Luckily it’s rare for a rapper to be homophobic, but it does happen. I’d have expected better of a role model like Jay-Z than ‘Faggots hate when you gettin’ money like athletes’. Rappers should try being less obsessed with money and do more songs about the benefits of yoga.

Stan, Eminem 

Relationships need to be worked at, rather than kidnapping your girlfriend and driving off a bridge. ‘Shut up bitch! I’m tryin’ to talk… that’s my girlfriend screamin’ in the trunk’ should be replaced with ‘There’s no longer a stigma attached to professional counselling’ and contact details for Relate.

The Iceberg, Ice-T

I feel a lack of respect for your partner is strongly implied by the lyric ‘Bitch’s ugly face cold spoiled his erection’. I’m starting to wonder if the rap community as a whole needs to rethink its attitude to women. Attending weekly feminist workshops would be a good start. 

Campaign Speech, Eminem

One can only assume the lyric ‘Got knives to slash and slice hermaphrodites in half’ strangely and inaccurately refers to transsexuals. Mr Mathers is lucky not to have started a vicious Twitter storm like JK Rowling, or he’d really be regretting his hateful, archaic words.

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Shhh, you can't criticise the government or you'll wake the baby

THE public and media have been ordered to cease all criticism of the government immediately or they will wake the tiny lovely baby. 

The birth of Boris and Carrie Johnson’s second child this morning means that anyone attempting to voice any negative opinion will be theatrically hushed by the rest of the country so as not to disturb the little newborn. 

A Downing Street spokesman, speaking in whispers, said: “Expressions of what a lovely baby she is are permitted. Older people are allowed to exclaim ‘Bless!’ whenever she yawns. 

“But any mention of the unpleasantness of the last few days will wake the poor mite and set her to crying, and who would do that? To a wee baby? 

“The media is requested to have a heart and think of the parents, and to reflect on what awful people they would be if they intruded on their happiness in any way. 

“Sir Keir Starmer’s grating voice is certain to rouse her from peaceful slumber so he especially is not to speak a single word until January. Or nasty man will upset baby. 

“Now shhh, everyone. Shhh. No more nonsense. Baby is sleeping.”