A NEW film of Wuthering Heights starring Margot Robbie is essentially a 1990s straight-to-video erotic thriller set in Yorkshire, but not every book is a cinematic bonkbuster ready to happen:
Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler, published 1925
The author is morally and politically toxic. The bulk of it is ranting about racial ideology. But most importantly, unless you’re a Mitford sister, Hitler simply isn’t sexy. Is it the toothbrush moustache, the side parting, the bowel condition, the monorchidism? Is it being the biggest mass murderer of the 20th century? Is it the lederhosen? Is it kind of all of them?
The Bible by various authors, 4th century
It’s got sensual bits like the Song of Solomon, the whole nude Adam and Eve and serpent thing’s right there, but there’s a little too much plague, commandments and divine wrath to keep audiences’ blood running hot. And Jesus? Not in the least interested in getting it on. Judas only betrayed him because he was such a poor wingman.
Malone Dies, Samuel Beckett, 1951
Long monologue about a bitter old man dying alone in bed by an Irish writer renowned for his bleak portrayal of the essential futility of the human condition; nobody is getting turned on like this. That it closely resembles your own sex life is neither here nor there.
Unleashed by Boris Johnson, 2024
Theoretically perfect f**k-flick material, combining an insatiable sexual appetite with posh backdrops, lightly drizzled with Latin. However, because he still thought he was within arm’s length of a Churchillian comeback Boris left out all the sexy bits and focused on how he was right all along and misunderstood. Also says ‘tally ho!’ when he ejaculates.
The Highway Code by the Department for Transport, 1931
Yes, phrases like ‘check your mirrors’ and ‘give way to the left’ were charged with erotic tension during your driving lessons, but only on the part of your 30 years older and 12 stone heavier instructor. You, aged 17, thought it boring. And no actor, given what driving instructors look like, could be cast. Even Colin Firth’s not selling that role.
The Art of War by Sun Tzu, 5th century BC
Brilliant, but strategic maxims like ‘know your enemy and know yourself’ are not what sexual fantasies are made of. There’s very little seduction one can squeeze out of troop deployments. The sole options for a shagfest storyline are a Mulan style subplot about a woman disguised as a soldier or a honeytrap op.
The IKEA Catalogue by IKEA, 1951-2021
Could work, given it’s Swedish and full of bedrooms. The basic premise of a couple rowing over an Allen key descending into hot, furious lovemaking is plausible. All their flatpack furniture collapsing as they f**k on it has the ring of truth. Florence Pugh and Austin Butler are interested? Greenlit, rushed into production, out next spring.
