Seven pre-woke films and TV shows explained for young people

TODAY’S entertainment is laboriously woke, which confuses young people watching anything made before 2015. Here’s how to explain baffling old films and TV.

The Great Escape, 1963 

A classic war film very loosely based on a true story. You’ll notice there are no people of colour in it,  because there weren’t any. In 1942 the captured airmen were white and the Nazis were famously not keen on diversity. Don’t worry, if it’s remade they’ll plonk a load of black guys – and possibly Rihanna – in Stalag Luft erasing the US air force’s historic racism.

Doctor Who, 1963-2017

It’s hard to believe now, but the Doctor was originally a man. Luckily the character was altered so fundamentally he may as well have regenerated into a satsuma and only most of the viewers abandoned the show. The BBC did genuinely have a problem with companions, who remained extremely white until ‘Nu-Who’. Although even the most committed woke activist would prefer three Adrics to the diverse shower of twats that was Jodie’s ‘fam’.

Goldfinger, 1964

The film kicks off with a woman being sent on her way with a merry slap on the arse and gets a whole lot worse, depending on how you interpret the barn scene. Unfortunately the 60s were simply sexist, and there’s nothing anyone can do about without access to a time machine. If you did you’d have more important things to do than changing dozens of Bond girls’ names to less demeaning variations, eg. Kitty Innabundance.

Love Thy Neighbour, 1972-76

F**king hell, this takes some explaining. Ostensibly mocking prejudiced attitudes, this incredibly uncomfortable sitcom about a black couple moving in next door features countless ‘He’ll come after me with his spear!’ gags. Inform younger viewers that attitudes were very different then, as if 1976 was hundreds of years ago and people still travelled by horse and cart and feared witches. They probably think that anyway.

White Wilderness, 1958

Every film nowadays is at pains to point out ‘No animal was harmed…’ but in 1958 Disney considered a bit of animal cruelty educational. To make lemmings fit their suicidal stereotype they were shoved off a cliff to die in their hundreds. You see, back then animals were objects to be exploited, which is pretty on-brand for a company that made its fortune from a mouse in trousers and a duck without.

Withnail and I, 1987

Shockingly unwoke. Almost no women in the film, and Withnail makes inappropriate comments to underage girls. Woke viewers may find the following concept difficult to grasp, but this is because it fits the setting, events and characterisation of the film. The sooner it’s remade the better, ideally with Rachel Zegler as a strong, independent female Withnail who succeeds on her own without debilitating alcoholism. 

Casablanca, 1942

Irresponsible filmmaking at its worst. From the moment Humphrey Bogart appears he’s puffing away on a fag. This is deeply shocking to young people, though everyone breathing clouds of blueberry vape would arguably be worse. You’ll just have to explain it’s a product of a time when smoking was normal. To be fair in Casablanca wonder why anyone cares about the outcome of the war given they’ll be dead from lung cancer before then.

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Cummings's expletive-laden tirades disgusting, problematic and accurate

DOMINIC Cummings has left the UK reeling with his foul-mouthed rants that are not wide of the mark.

After hearing about the torrent of abuse that Dominic Cummings would subject colleagues to during the pandemic, the public have agreed he was actually pretty spot-on.

Martin Bishop from Colchester said: “All that stuff about stilettos and calling Helen MacNamara the C-word was horrible. ‘Useless f**kpigs’ though? Can’t argue with that.

“Who can honestly say we didn’t call Johnson and Hancock something similar as we watched the daily briefings at home in our pants? If anything I salute Cummings’s use of the English language. ‘Useless f**kpigs’ is succinct, original and creative.”

Donna Sheridan from Frome said: “I’m trying to think of a better way to describe a government that considered letting old people, the vulnerable and minorities die but I just can’t. ‘Useless f**kpigs’ really does sum them up beautifully.

“It doesn’t get annoying the more you hear it either, unlike cockwomble or wankpuffin. And since it’s not time-sensitive you can use it to describe Rishi Sunak and Suella Braverman. I’m already calling Keir Starmer a useless f**kpig and he isn’t even in power yet.

“Does this mean I’ve forgiven Dominic Cummings? No. That sneering, eye-testing twat is a useless f**kpig and no mistake.”