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Shuttershades, and five other things Kanye is yet to apologise for

KANYE West has issued a lengthy apology for his anti-Semitism, blaming his mental illness. But the world has yet to forgive him for these: 

Shuttershades

To launch his third album, Kanye decided to rip off Daft Punk, rip off anime Akira in the video and to wear shades which combined all the style of a Venetian blind with all the visibility afforded by a stuck Venetian blind. A generation of impressionable dickheads went out in them. Those who lived through that era are still recovering.

Yeezys

Realising any mass-produced plastic shit he promoted would be wildly popular, Kanye launched his own shoe line and was proven right. Subnormal sneakerheads entered lotteries to win the chance to pay £120 for a big pair of swirly Crocs. The damage caused was mitigated by most buyers being too precious to ever wear them.

Making all rappers think they’re interior designers

With the knock-on effect that every rapper, previously content with banging on about how they got shot once, became convinced they too were a genius at interior design or fashion. Leading us to Pharrell Williams, a man who spent years in shorts and T-shirts so large it was as if he’d been unwittingly shrunk, becoming creative director for Louis Vuitton.

Glastonbury

In 2015, Kayne headlined the festival. His British fans tuned in gleefully, ready to see their hero demonstrate what makes him so brilliant to mum and dad, ready for a parade of famous guests. They were disappointed on both counts as a man alone on stage in paint-spattered denim did a shite set with an even shiter version of Bohemian Rhapsody. 

Making a video where he killed his ex-wife’s new boyfriend

Fully in the territory of madness now, but an apology for the video for Eazy where Kim Kardashian’s new fling Pete Davidson was buried alive is in order. To Pete for the intimidation, to the world for the shite animated video which wouldn’t have been shown on Screen Test and to his fans for the f**king song.

Making his wife be naked

Fashion? No fashion designer is selling nudity because it costs nothing to buy. And much as a certain proportion of the population appreciated Bianca Censori’s various looks, when she is naked and Kanye is swathed in head-to-toe opaque black it’s a vision of fashion taken from a 12-year-old’s masturbatory fantasies. Fantastic boobs, yes, but still.

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How to make a woman orgasm without having to listen to her

WANT to make her climax? Of course you do, it would reflect badly on you if you didn’t. Ready to hear how to make that happen? No, what would she know? Do this instead: 

Accept her ignorance

First, she’s a woman. Second, ladies do not masturbate as often as men and can’t see their genitals when standing up, giving them an obvious disadvantage. Not their fault but as with bleeding radiators, both sexes can theoretically do it but only one knows how to twiddle the knobs effectively to achieve the desired result with the minimum of mess.

Remember all women are, bodily, exactly the same

While penises are special and individual and often named accordingly, fannies are pretty much identical and so respond to the same moves in the same order. What worked with an ex who definitely wasn’t faking orgasms to get it over with will succeed here. Therefore, no need to check in. Try not to count out loud.

Reassure her that communication is important

It is. But the communication you’re seeking is gasps, oohs, ahhs and the occasional cries of ‘Lasso me, cowboy’. Anything from her suggesting preferences counts as criticism. Disengage and say ‘Would you tell the electrician how to do the wiring? No. So leave it to the experts.’

Porn is basically the Bible

Anything you’ve seen in a dirty film is something all women love. Directors have scientifically checked or they wouldn’t have put it in the movie, right? And look at how much that nice Albanian girl is moaning. So get on PornHub for some inspiration for moves inspired by women’s actual needs. If she doesn’t love it she’s wrong.

Never ask what she’s liked before

It might spur her to mention a former lover which means you’re taking direction from another dude, which is so gay. He may as well be sat in the room watching. You can’t be in direct competition with him. Best to not ask and instead come up with an inspired new move she absolutely won’t recount in horrified detail to her friends on WhatsApp.

Leave as soon as you’ve finished

Do you stay on the phone with the bank while an automated voice asks for feedback? No, so why hang around for the post-coital lull where she might be tempted to fill the silence with constructive advice? Offer to make a cup of tea, wipe your knob on a tea towel and make your exit. In your experience most women are glad you’ve gone.

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