Six crap shows your f**king partner got you hooked on

BEFORE you met your partner you had select, refined viewing tastes, until they got you obsessed with this total shit: 

Below Deck Mediterranean

This American reality show set on a super yacht was unbelievable bollocks for the first 15 minutes, after which you got pathetically invested in the day-to-day lives of the crew as they turned down beds and cleaned puke out of the hot tub. Within one episode you were writing off their $15,000 tip as ‘f**king tight’.

Love Island

At first you only watched Love Island in brief, ironic glimpses as you looked up from your phone. Now it’s a nightly obsession where you search for cracks in Gemma and Luca’s relationship. If you spent as much time in the gym as you did watching this exploitative crap you’d be shredded enough to go on it. You’d be dumped first, but still.

The Repair Shop

All the talk of ‘tight screws’ and ‘bent rods’ used to make you snigger until it won you over with its wholesome charm. In theory The Repair Shop is as dull as watching dust accumulate, but everyone on it is so bloody talented that you’re riveted. Except for Jay Blades, who stands around looking spectacular but appears to do f**k all.

This Morning

During lockdown you got suckered into This Morning because your partner popped it on and you couldn’t be bothered to do Joe Wicks. Two years later, with no excuse, you’re still glued to Phil and Holly’s fixedly upbeat worldview. You can barely hold down a day job knowing that you could be missing a viewer winning £100,000 in tax-free cash.

Only Connect

‘Who wants to watch Oxbridge nerds show off how smart they are?’ you used to think. But your partner liked it, there was nothing else on and now you’re shouting your answers at the screen during Connecting Wall rounds. Your partner would admire your intellectual engagement but you’re yet to get a single answer correct. Not even in the Missing Vowels round, which is piss-easy.

Breaking Bad

You dodged it the first time but your new boyfriend’s doing a rewatch. You’re locked into 60-odd hours of high-end drama, purely because you enjoy sex with them. You’ll think you’re free when the credits roll on the last episode, but that’s when they suggest binge watching Better Call Saul in time for the season six finale.

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Man puzzled to be thirsty despite drinking five pints in blazing sun

A MAN who drank five pints of lager in the full glare of the sun was bemused to find he still had a raging thirst afterwards.

Nathan Muir sat for several hours in the beer garden of the Railway Tavern in Cirencester, imbibing as many pints of Grolsch as possible in an attempt to combat the prospect of becoming dehydrated due to the heatwave.

Muir said: “It was weird. After necking all that liquid, the last thing I should have felt is thirsty. And yet, sitting there in the baking heat with my top off, I felt as if my body was shrivelling from the inside out.

“I also developed a pounding headache, which surprised me because you’d think that the delightfully chilled beer would have had a numbing effect on the pain, but it didn’t.

“If anything, it made it worse. Normally when I’m that pissed you could kick me in the nuts and I wouldn’t feel anything. Maybe there was something wrong with the barrel and the beer was off.

“Anyway, I did my best but at the end of the day I guess I just didn’t drink enough. I’ll try harder next time.”