Thursday, 6th May 2021

Six embarrassing 80s hits you won't admit you secretly love

WOULD you be mortified if people knew which cheesy 1980s songs you listen to on your own? Here are the shameful musical secrets on your YouTube playlist.

‘Flash’ – Queen

A formidable amount of bollocks crammed into one short song. Queen’s cheesy pomp rock is bad, but so is the crap film it was written for. You probably even ‘sing’ along to the dialogue too. All together now: ‘Dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back his body!’

‘We Built This City’ – Starship

Incredibly 80s hit with synth stabs that are now as dated as getting your dinner with a spear. Worse, the lyrics are vague guff idolising rock-and-roll, which this isn’t – it’s bland 80s soft rock. No one must ever hear you singing along to lines like ‘Too many runaways eating up the night’. 

‘Perfect’ – Fairground Attraction

Nicely crafted, upbeat song, marred by the fact that it is terminally f**king annoying. If you still like this you probably collect twee ornaments of owls or frogs and have something wrong with your brain.

‘Pipes of Peace’ – Paul McCartney

No one can accuse McCartney of not writing a good tune, it’s just everything else about his music that’s shit. Do not admit to anyone that after a few too many drinks you get teary at lines like: ‘Help them to learn/Songs of joy instead of burn, baby, burn.’ Also beware of clicking on the Frog Chorus in case you start to like that too.

‘Run to the Hills’ – Iron Maiden

Even if you’re not a fan of Iron Maiden’s frantic-yet-dull Brit-metal, this has a catchy chorus. Interestingly, it’s about the oppression of Native Americans. A political awakening for The Maiden? Maybe, or perhaps Bruce Dickinson just liked war stuff. They did a song about a Spitfire.

‘Danger Zone’ – Kenny Loggins 

The daddy of 80s songs you shouldn’t admit to liking. Implies you have nerdy fantasies about being a fighter pilot and are sexually aroused by lyrics like ‘Metal under tension, begging you to touch and go’.