A NEW Lord of the Rings TV show is on the way, with viewers already wondering how much more of their lives these hobbits will steal. These franchises won’t ever stop:
Lord of the Rings
There was the book, for 50 years, then there were the films, then the extra-long films, then the dragged-out Hobbit trilogy, and now there’s an £800 million TV series packed full of Gandalf and Galadriel barking on about Middle Earth prophecies. Fans are now so steeped in mystical bollocks they might as well have joined the priesthood.
Deep in the mists of the aughts, there was a successful low-budget horror film. Because it made shitloads of money there have now been nine of them, with a timeline more convoluted than the Saxe-Coberg-Gotha family tree. The films will be made forever and they’ll never be scary again.
Once memorable, forever milked. The sequels and TV show made Lecter more likeable due to familiarity so there’s no way this cash cow won’t be brought back. In three films’ time you’ll be rooting for him to barbecue someone’s genitals in a soy and honey glaze while they’re still alive.
Limited by the fact that the Terminator only does one thing: go back in time and kill someone. But there’s loads of history and John Connor must have loads of ancestors. Cue CGI Arnie trying to kill Renaissance nobleman Jean De Conneur, or the mudskipper that evolved into the Connor line.
Disney’s intention to strip mine Star Wars is clear. In 2029 you’ll be watching a forgettable Kit Fisto prequel exploring his complex relationship with medical droid FX-7. And there will still be standalone Disney+ series for General Hux, Nute Gunray and Arleil Schous, the wolfman thing in the cantina, to get through. And every individual Jawa.
Fans will pay to see Batman even if you’ve made the character rubbish or deeply unlikeable. So filmakers should bring back the camp Adam West version, complete with ‘BAM!’, ‘BIFF!’, ‘POW!’ text. Especially if Christian Bale was starring in it.