EVERY year, the Oscars give eager filmgoers a great guide to what shite to avoid. These six certainly shouldn’t have taken statuettes home:
Best Picture, 1965 – The Sound of Music
Four musicals won Best Picture in the 1960s, which seems bizarre now when the prestigious prize invariably goes to films where actors are as ugly and miserable as possible. That this dull Sunday matinee fare won the highest accolade that year is testament to the decade’s insanely low standards.
Best Picture, 1995 – Forrest Gump
The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction were released this year, so naturally the best film went to a movie starring Tom Hanks as a pure-hearted slow-witted fool. America chose this when it was feeling sorry for itself and wanted to hear it wasn’t such a bad guy after all. And that quote about chocolates is shite.
Best Picture, 2004 – Crash
A drama about race relations with all the subtlety of a reversing bin lorry, Crash captures the heart-sinking resentment of rear-ending a Vauxhall Corsa and standing around exchanging insurance details. The Academy was obviously so keen to no-homo Brokeback Mountain they just chose the straightest movie in competition.
Best Cinematography, 2009 – Avatar
Rendered almost entirely in CGI, the second-highest grossing film of all time that no-one gives a shit about now won a gong for Best Cinematography, which translates as ‘really this business is all about money and you made three f**king billion’.
Best Director, 1990 – Kevin Costner
Every ten years or so, the Academy likes to reward an actor who’s tried hard. Hence Robert Redford in 1980, former Happy Days star Ron Howard in 2001 and in 1990 Costner, who would build on this artistic triumph by starring in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Beat Martin Scorcese, for Goodfellas.
Best Picture, 2018 – Green Book
Everyone was pissed off about this one. A syrupy tale about how a fat Italian racist helps an intelligent, talented black man get in touch with his identity, Green Book is bollocks and only memorable for beating five better films and two better films about race. Oh well, at least Bohemian Rhapsody didn’t win.