Six films where love saves everything, unlike in real life

IN movies love is the great solution that saves lives and worlds, unlike in real life where it’s kind of a pain in the arse. These films lie:

The Fifth Element

A giant fireball, imaginatively representing ultimate evil, heads towards Earth. It’s only saved by the mystical Fifth Element: Milla Jovovich banging Bruce Willis. That’s highly f**king specific. You banging your husband can’t even save a bad weekend.

The Matrix

Everything in the Matrix is code, including Trinity reviving Neo by telling him she loves him, so love is nothing but a sophisticated cheat code, like the Konami code or an infinite lives POKE on a ZX Spectrum. It’s more interesting than the humdrum reality of watching telly with your wife, and you don’t even get to have Neo’s powers, looks and coat.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

At the very last moment, as if badly-written, Harry’s life is saved because his parents placed a hitherto unmentioned love protection on him and the baddie dies. Your parents are pretty fond of you but it doesn’t even protect you from a stubbed toe.

Avengers: Infinity War

Thanos gets hold of the Soul Stone by killing his beloved daughter Gamora. Granted that’s only solving everything from Thanos’s perspective but he’s happy. In actuality, killing someone you love gets the much same sentence as killing a stranger.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

Giving Freddy Krueger a big kiss combusts him to ashes if you love your boyfriend, in a strong incentive for teenagers to have full physical relationships. You sometimes wish your boyfriend would burn up and be replaced by your teenage sweetheart when you kiss him.


Even fancy films, though sheer dogged misunderstanding of all quantum science, decide that a father can contact his daughter through time from sheer love. Your dad never rings, and when you do he just picks up the phone and says ‘I’ll get your mum, love’ before walking off shouting ‘Sheila?’

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Queen requests Britain take it easy this weekend in preparation for four-day Jubilee bender

HER Majesty the Queen has ordered her subjects to drink in moderation this weekend in readiness for their four-day Platinum Jubilee session.

The monarch made an address to the nation commanding everyone to have a quiet one so as to be properly thirsty for the coming piss-up By Royal Appointment.

She continued: “As your Queen for 70 years, I know my country and my people all too well.

“The weather is decent. The evenings are light. You have the racial memory of a bank holiday at this time. It is only natural to get shitfaced.

“But on this occasion it would not be appropriate. In just a few short days, I will celebrate my Platinum Jubilee and it is imperative you save your boozing until then and develop a proper thirst.

“I speak to the whole nation, from prosecco mums to real ale bores to the consumers of Pimms on picnics. Whether it’s white cider in the park or cocktails after dark, be patient.

“This Thursday, in my honour, the biggest bender of all our lifetimes begins. A spree of alcohol-fuelled wreckage that will top even VE Day. I promise you we will be urinating in the very streets.

“God bless me.”