Six first wedding dance songs no f**ker will ever forget

WANT to make the first dance at your wedding something people will remember forever? Play one of these inappropriate songs.

Love Will Tear Us Apart, Joy Division

Start your marriage off in the worst possible way with one of the bleakest songs of all time. As you put those ballroom dancing lessons you spunked hundreds of quid on to good use by awkwardly shuffling around the dance floor, feel your guests inwardly writhing with awkwardness.

It Wasn’t Me, Shaggy

The perfect song to let all your guests know that the rumours of infidelities on your stag do were actually true. Over your partner’s shoulder you’ll see your assembled friends and family begin to place bets on how long they think your shitty marriage is actually going to last. Not one of them will guess more than a month.

Gold Digger, Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx

Not even this banger’s catchy beat can distract from the fact you’re telling a room full of people you’re only getting married for the money. What’s even more tragic is that your soulmate only works as a middle-manager at Barclays, so they’re not exactly minted. You’re selling out, and for a very low price.

Bootylicious, Destiny’s Child

When you turn up to the wedding of a work colleague and partner, the last thing you expect to see is them shaking their arse to this early noughties hit. Enjoy awkwardly sipping champagne next to the mother of the bride as you watch her daughter furiously twerk against the groom’s groin. Maybe even take a photo for posterity.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, U2 

As you look deep into the eyes of your new spouse, Bono’s soaring lyrics will let them know they’re a placeholder. The wedding has been an elaborate celebration of your move towards becoming more tax efficient, and you’re still searching for the person you actually want to shag for the rest of your life. They’re out there somewhere.

Single Ladies, Beyoncé

Weddings are the beginning of your beautiful new life together, but they’re also a chance to rub your love in the face of desperate loners. Crank this song up then drag all your single mates onto the dance floor to point and laugh at them. They can’t object either, this is your special day and you can do what you want.

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Men uncomfortable with England team they can't hate

MEN have admitted they are not really comfortable with an England team they cannot slate as f**king useless down the pub.

The Lionesses’ triumphant journey to the Euros final has left male football fans feeling alienated from a national side they are unable to savagely slag off because of sexism and actual success.

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “For me it’s missing the point of football, which is to enable a bunch of unfit men to gather with a few pints and deliver a world-class trashing.

“Take the England men. They reached a final last year for the first time in 55 years and I’ve been calling for Southgate’s sacking ever since. The man’s limited. No vision. Not up to the job.

“But these England women have handed out some proper hidings. They’re in the final on merit, and even though Lucy Bronze has frankly underperformed it feels like a twat move saying so.

“But what does that leave? Unconditional support? That’s hardly f**king English is it? That’s casual fan bollocks and beneath serious students of the game.

“What am I meant to do tomorrow? Be all ‘Ooh well done, they’ve scored a goal and won a major tournament, congratulations’? F**k that. Win or lose I start hating.”