AN interviewer has been criticised for questioning Charli XCX’s decision not to have children. Sadly we all know he’s right, so here’s what Charli needs to do to end her childless misery.
Borrow a baby
If one thing is going to change Charli’s mind, it’s experiencing the joy of motherhood with a baby loaned by a friend or fan. Constant exhaustion, the blood-curdling contents of nappies, relentless screaming – all of these will be wonderful and fulfilling things for Charli because she’s a woman.
Ditch the party music
Is her career stopping Charli having a baby? That’s understandable because songs like 365 and Club Classics are inspired by her party lifestyle. The obvious solution is to write hits about the daily grind of looking after small children instead. Songs like 365 (Feeling Tired Mix) or Peppa Pig Classics, from her new album Mum.
Spend time with childless women
All of Britain’s childless women lead solitary, depressing lives in dusty lodgings filled with creepy porcelain dolls, cat litter trays and bitterness. Charli will realise that spinsterhood is not for her simply by visiting one at random.
Think about when she’s old
Without children, Charli won’t have grandchildren to alleviate the crushing tedium of old age, which is just drinking tea and going to the doctor’s. And who will grudgingly visit her when she’s senile and doubly incontinent and forced to move into a care home? At 33 these are issues Charli needs to be thinking about.
Watch supermarket adverts featuring families
Supermarket adverts accurately portray the endless happiness of family life. Magical Christmases, love and laughter-filled gatherings, even pushing a trolley round f**king Asda is pure unbridled joy if you’ve got a family. Charli should be aware of this.
Respect the natural order
Nature is clear about babies. Females are designed to keep popping them out, even if sex is unpleasant like it is for lady cats. The male’s role is to provide for the female, but he should impregnate others too. Charli is already married to the drummer of The 1975, so they’re ideally positioned for her to be a housewife while he’s out shagging groupies. Nature would approve.
