TELEVISION’S golden age doesn’t have to be ground-breaking. Forget critical analysis, these are the shows to watch like your skull hasn’t formed yet:
Learn the colours of the rainbow slack-jawed and drooling in front of a costume drama. Pretty purple dress. Sweet yellow flowers. Nice green countryside. Lovely 15-minute-long nude bedroom scene.
Married At First Sight Australia
If listening to white noise can help babies sleep, then being bathed in the sound of the Australian version of this morally depraved reality show is perfect for relaxing the adult brain. Listening to people saying ‘I came here to find love’ 40 times an hour is basically meditation.
Line of Duty
Stop lying, you’ve never known for one second what was going on any time you’ve been plonked in front of a Jed Mercurio show. Enjoying a man saying silly words in a silly accent then getting excited when the music gets all loud is basically the same as watching Sesame Street.
The Masked Singer
No explanation needed for this one, as The Masked Singer is pretty much designed for babies. It has funny costumes, loud music, and an unveiling every episode that’s a high-concept version of peekaboo. You’re basically watching Teletubbies, except with more Rita Ora.
The latest Attenborough
People say Attenborough documentaries are educational, but you haven’t retained one fact from the hundreds of hours you’ve watched. You’ve been too busy being distracted by the fluffy baby penguins or the funny little lizards like the oddly tall toddler you are.
This is a programme about watching shiny little disks fall down, and seeing if that will make others fall down, during the daytime on a weekday. And that’s before you get to the trivia, aimed at an audience with a mental age of two. Perfect for drooling adult infants like you.