Six TV shows you watch like a newborn for the pretty colours and sounds

TELEVISION’S golden age doesn’t have to be ground-breaking. Forget critical analysis, these are the shows to watch like your skull hasn’t formed yet:


Learn the colours of the rainbow slack-jawed and drooling in front of a costume drama. Pretty purple dress. Sweet yellow flowers. Nice green countryside. Lovely 15-minute-long nude bedroom scene.

Married At First Sight Australia

If listening to white noise can help babies sleep, then being bathed in the sound of the Australian version of this morally depraved reality show is perfect for relaxing the adult brain. Listening to people saying ‘I came here to find love’ 40 times an hour is basically meditation.

Line of Duty

Stop lying, you’ve never known for one second what was going on any time you’ve been plonked in front of a Jed Mercurio show. Enjoying a man saying silly words in a silly accent then getting excited when the music gets all loud is basically the same as watching Sesame Street.

The Masked Singer

No explanation needed for this one, as The Masked Singer is pretty much designed for babies. It has funny costumes, loud music, and an unveiling every episode that’s a high-concept version of peekaboo. You’re basically watching Teletubbies, except with more Rita Ora.

The latest Attenborough

People say Attenborough documentaries are educational, but you haven’t retained one fact from the hundreds of hours you’ve watched. You’ve been too busy being distracted by the fluffy baby penguins or the funny little lizards like the oddly tall toddler you are.

Tipping Point

This is a programme about watching shiny little disks fall down, and seeing if that will make others fall down, during the daytime on a weekday. And that’s before you get to the trivia, aimed at an audience with a mental age of two. Perfect for drooling adult infants like you.

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Partner who refuses to share toothbrush fine with putting genitals in mouth

A WOMAN is confused about why her boyfriend will not share his toothbrush when he’ll happily put his mouth on the area she pisses from.

Lauren Hewitt cannot understand why Nathan Muir is worried about catching something while brushing his teeth when he has no concerns about the disgusting germ-swapping involved in oral gratification.

Hewitt said: “Given that he’s not shy in the bedroom, it’s mental that he freaks out whenever I try and have a go with his Oral-B.

“I mean, we went down on each other after coming home from a sweaty night out at a club the other day. And I’d played tennis that afternoon and hadn’t had time to shower. It must have been like licking the floor of a barn.

“Does he think my mouth is worse than that? Or is he so desperate for sex that he would chow down on literally anything if he thought it meant he’d get a reciprocal nosh? I suspect the latter.”

Nathan Muir said: “I’ve heard about what women do with electric toothbrushes. It starts in her mouth, but who knows where it’ll end up?”