Song Everyone Pretends To Understand Is Christmas Number One

THE incredibly moving song that everyone pretends to understand has topped the Christmas pop charts.

Hallelujah captured the top two spots last night as working class people who don't understand the Alexandra Burke version outnumbered university graduates who don't understand the Jeff Buckley version.

Meanwhile composer Leonard Cohen said he was delighted his epic poem, filled with obscure biblical imagery, was finally being downloaded as a ringtone.

Hallelujah fan Tom Logan, from London, said: "I do get very emotional when I hear the line 'she tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair' because that happened to me once.

"Except it was more of a shaving situation. In the groinal region."

Emma Bradford, an assistant bank manager from Swindon, said: "'I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the lord.' That always makes me cry because my boyfriend is called David and he doesn't understand what it means either."

She added: "The line about love not being a victory march is very profound, because it really isn't is it? A victory march usually involves lots of people in uniforms, a brass band, some horses and perhaps even the Red Arrows. It's a totally different thing."

She added: "But I suppose love really is a cold and broken hallelujah. Unless you actually like the other person, in which case it's mostly quite enjoyable."

Stephen Malley, an architect from Bath, said: "'I used to live alone before I knew you'. For me that really says it all because before I met my wife I actually did live alone for about six months. Happy days."

Bill McKay, a retired teacher from Wetherby, added: "Ah yes, 'you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.' As did the police when they finally caught me. And they still haven't returned my binoculars."

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Britain Mugged By Good Samaritan

THE good Samaritan who has offered to pay for your physiotherapy is the same man who mugged you in the first place, it was claimed last night.

Police said the Samaritan, who has been applauded for checking you into the hospital, matches the description of the man seen brutally assaulting you, taking all your money and leaving you for dead.

The Samaritan last night dismissed the accusations, and repeated his claim that you were attacked by a gang of well-dressed Americans.

But eyewitness Stephen Malley said: "Good Samaritan my arse. I saw the whole thing.

"He walks up to this bloke, all friendly, looks as though he's giving him directions. Then all of sudden he lashes out, punching him in the face and pushing him to the ground.

"Then he starts kicking him repeatedly in the stomach and battering him over the head with a big book. It was brutal."

Mr Malley added: "He then checks to see if anyone's watching before nicking the bloke's wallet and his house keys. Then he gets out his mobile and phones for an ambulance. Yeah, it was definitely the same guy."

Meanwhile the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, last night urged the government abandon its plan to shove the Duke of Westminster through the eye of a needle.

Dr Williams added: "One could say that the British economy is like the pregnant virgin, in the very real sense that she's obviously been fucked but no-one's owning up to it. I thank you."