Southern-style chicken, kebab, pizza and curry combo wins Masterchef

THIS year’s Masterchef is the head cook at Tooting’s Southern-Style Chicken, Kebab, Pizza and Curry takeaway restaurant in south London.

Restaurateur and manager Tom Logan beat off actual chefs with his mainly-microwaved selection of food for drunk people.

Logan said: “It’s hard to take part in Masterchef when you’re also trying to organise the roster for delivery drivers, but I knew my pizza topped with kebab meat would impress the judges.

“When Michel Roux went ‘Ooh!’ at my lukewarm chicken burger with a range of free dipping sauces because it was a bit late, I knew I was in with a chance.

“Top chefs like Heston Blumenthal ignore the fusion possibilities of microwaved Italian-style meatball jalfrezi pizzas.”

Masterchef judge Greg Wallace said: “When I bit into the deep-fried chilli and mozzarella cheeseballs it was as though a taste explosion hadn’t happened in my mouth.

“I could have eaten at least two more of those after getting in from the pub.”

Logan is now planning to set up his own restaurant chain specialising in international cuisine that can be taken out of a chiller unit and reheated in a microwave.


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The Mash guide to the Man United shortlist

DAVID Moyes has gone, but who will replace him in the toughest job in the world of the football?

Ryan Giggs: The Red legend has been made interim manager, but is unlikely to be appointed permanently because the club want to destroy their legacy United-style rather than just copying Liverpool.

Time travelling Sven-Göran Erikkson: The England manager, fresh from an impressive Euro campaign, is apparently keen to travel 10 years into the future, manage United for a decade of initial success and increasing disappointment, and then return to his own time a broken man.

Santiago Mourinho: The long-lost twin of José Mourinho is a footballing genius who will never forgive his brother for the scars he bears. A titanic emotional battle between these bitter rivals will end on a cliffhanger when Santiago claims to be the real father of José’s son.

Anus Flex Ogre: This masked Scot, who refuses to reveal his true identity, promises to return the club to where it was a year ago after a spectacularly unsuccessful period as a recruitment consultant.

The Continuity IRA: The black balaclava-clad terrorist group with a proven record of following illustrious predecessors could finally bring the stirring sectarian hatred of the Scottish leagues to England.

David Moyes: Everton manager with an impressive list of achievements, including European qualification, on a tight budget who feels he is ready to step up. Strong candidate struggling to explain ten-month gap in CV.