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Successful 19-year-old filmmaker gives false hope to millions

A YOUTUBER turned filmmaker’s successful debut feature means tens of thousands of teenagers now believe they can do the same, wrongly. 

Kane Parsons, aged 19, has turned his web series Backrooms into a $141m hit movie, causing young, deluded contemporaries worldwide to believe their crappy efforts will be just as successful so they have no need to get A-levels or jobs.

18-year-old Jack Browne said: “Every hot shot producer knows storytelling went out the window with Weinstein. Vibes are in now, and I’m the prime purveyor on TikTok.

“My parents will eat their words after my knowledge of niche online shit pays off. Who’s an idiot for being on 4chan until 4am now, mum? Not me when I finish my This Man screenplay and become a multimillionaire.

“As the old moviemaking adage goes, if you’re a creative teenager currently streaming videogames to an audience of between 12 and 18 people, the studios will come knocking. I think I’ll ask for a budget of $40 million. I only need $15 million, but they don’t know that.”

Mum Sandra Browne said: “The occasional flukey youth success unfortunately inspires a generation of idiots to imagine the cruel machinations of reality will not crush them, which they will.

“Jack is not a ‘digital upstart’ who will ‘reinvent content’ for the 21st century. He’s a lazy dick who got fired by Kebabylon for watching Instagram Reels in their backroom.”

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Woman agonising over wedding outfit as if anyone gives a shit

A WOMAN is subjecting herself to enormous stress over what she will wear for an upcoming wedding, irrespective of the fact nobody will notice. 

Eleanor Shaw, aged 32, has spent weeks looking for the perfect dress for a friend’s big day without ever realising she is the only one arsed about it.

Shaw said: “It’s a nightmare. I’ve bought four new dresses already but none of them are right.

“In the heatwave I suffered the delusion a mini-dress would be ideal, but now I realise I’d be freezing and assumed to be a sex worker. But I can’t wear a maxi because I’ll be far too hot, I’m neither pregnant nor a mother and I’m not middle-class enough.

“Trousers? Or will I look like a lesbian, which would be offensive to the actual lesbians there? Dua Lipa wore a suit for her wedding. I could do the same, if I wanted to look like a pathetic, needy Dua Lipa wannabe.

“I think I’ve settled on a mid-length powder-blue backless one which will make me stand out without drawing attention from the bride. But if my boyfriend doesn’t praise it effusively and fall to his knees in awe I might have another crisis.”

Bride-to-be Carolyn Ryan said: “Eleanor? I only invited her because my mate Phoebe fancies her brother. As long as she doesn’t wear powder blue like my mother I give zero f**ks.”

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