The Police, and other bands you're not in any way surprised hated each other

THE music industry is known for making people who are already dickheads worse. But these artists were so egotistical or strange it’s a wonder they managed to make any music together…

The Police

A self-proclaimed ‘benign dictator’, Sting was a control freak who dismissed his bandmates’ ideas and jealously guarded his songwriting royalties. It’s no wonder Stewart Copeland stuck photos of the singer’s face on his drums. Was nine years of fighting really worth five decent tunes and the dubious achievement of rhyming ‘cough’ with ‘that book by Nabokov’?

The Who

Roger Daltrey is now an old man with dubious political views, raging at everything from Me Too to ‘mass immigration’. Which is a shame because back in the 60s he was a young man with dubious political views as well. Meanwhile, Pete Townshend is a miserable bastard who once got embroiled in a weird child porn controversy, which did actually appear to be him ‘collecting evidence’ in a mad way. Add in John Entwistle’s vast booze and coke intake and Keith Moon’s all-purpose lunacy, and it’s not really a recipe for harmony.

Cream

Ginger Baker’s supernatural sense of rhythm was equalled only by his colossal temper. Audiences didn’t know whether he was going to launch into a lengthy drum solo or a knife fight with equally fiery bassist Jack Bruce. Poor Eric Clapton, caught in the middle when he was just trying to play virtuoso licks and think racist thoughts.

Pink Floyd

In the red corner, Roger Waters, a misanthrope and Putin apologist who turned Pink Floyd’s eclectic musical career into a tedious dead-dad show. In the blue corner, David Gilmour, a guitar nerd more interested in modal scales than people. They both hated Nick Mason, who was too obsessed with classic cars to bother to learn to play the drums properly.

Oasis

Neither Gallagher brother had enough talent to make it on their own, so they needed each other, and that made them loathe each other. Sadly Noel didn’t have the charisma or the looks to make it as a frontman, and Liam wouldn’t have anything to sing if not for his brother’s uncanny ability to nick riffs and lyrics when nobody was looking. Let’s just be thankful he only ‘borrowed’ from Cliff Richard’s Devil Woman and not Congratulations.

The Beach Boys

Mainly associated with sunny anthems and beautiful love songs, the Beach Boys had their fair share of personal hatred. If members weren’t driven mad by the constant references to surfing and girls, they were concerned about Brian Wilson’s increasingly experimental musical direction. Mike Love was especially angry when cash cow Brian stopped writing the hits, on one occasion attacking him onstage with a piano stool. It’s sad it came to that when he could have made his point better with a surfboard.

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Welcome to Trump Always Chickens Out: Geopolitical Edition!

HELLO at home, and welcome to a special international imperialist edition of Trump Always Chickens Out! I’m your host Mark Rutte, secretary general of NATO.

Yes, we’ve got one hell of a show for you! Stakes are raised, tempers are running hot, and we’ve gone global, coming to you all the way from the World Economic Forum in Davos! A big hello to all our new international guests, or should I say… guten tag! German? Oh no, Trump won’t like that!

Anyway, for those of you new to the game, our contestant is one Donald Trump, and he’s always chasing the big prizes. But whether he’s placing tariffs on uninhabited islands or trying to overturn elections, what’s the one rule? I think the audience knows…

[Audience shouts] “TRUMP ALWAYS CHICKENS OUT!”

That’s right, you can bet your life savings on it… and Wall Street already has! Okay, it’s time to welcome our one and only contestant to the stage, ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States, Donald Trump!

No need to boo him yet, save it for later! Okay, and what’s the prize you’re playing for this week? I’ll give you a clue, it’s a big piece of ice… no, not Iceland, Greenland! They’re different countries. Honestly you need to get that.

Okay, let’s begin the game at… one billion dollars! And Denmark’s said no. What’s your next offer? 100 billion dollars? What? They’re still saying no, with some nonsense about sovereignty and a nation’s right to self-determination! What are you going to do?

Is he going to do it? Is he? Is he… oh, here it is! Donald Trump’s pressed the WAR button!

[Studio lights go red, sirens go off, giant letters saying WAR lower from ceiling]

This is it, the ultimate power move! Invasion of an ally’s territory! Let’s just take a moment to consider the consequences: we’re talking international isolation! Sanctions! An economic crash! Massive unpopularity with the American people!

Is he going to do it..? Is he..? Is he… no, he’s backed down! Because what do we always say, folks…?

[Audience shouts] “TRUMP ALWAYS CHICKENS OUT!”

That’s the name of the game! So come back next time, when Trump backs down to Putin yet again!