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Podcast hosted by Harry and Brooklyn grimly inevitable

A PODCAST about the burdens of fame hosted by Prince Harry and Brooklyn Beckham is now an unfortunate certainty.

Nothing can be done to prevent Prince Harry and Brooklyn Beckham from unleashing hours of tedious chat about how terrible it is to be a member of a famous family onto an innocent, unsuspecting public.

Media expert Martin Bishop said: “If there’s a market for Alastair Campbell droning on with Rory Stewart, these two whining nepo babies will easily find an audience.

“Each episode will just be them sitting across from each other and talking into a mic for two hours about how difficult it is to be in the public eye. It’ll be thoroughly unentertaining and make them billions.

“Meghan will make a guest appearance to keep the format interesting and promote her jam. And they’ll take it on a tour which will somehow sell out. But it’ll still just be endless complaining.

“Sounds shit, doesn’t it? Sadly that’s what we’re expected to enjoy these days. We used to have cool blockbusters like Speed, but now we have to be content with eavesdropping on celebrity conversations.

“And it’s all because you can’t bear to be alone with your thoughts while you do the washing up or sit on the bus. So you’ve only got yourselves to blame.”

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'It's a cup of tea people are saying is the greatest ever': Trump exaggerations in real life

TRUMP’S speech in Davos was almost entirely exaggerations and lies. So why bother with the truth in everyday life, which is much less important? Try the following:

‘I’ve had 7,000 girlfriends’

Trump never bothers to keep numbers like tariff revenues within the realm of possibility, so nor should you. A more realistic total of 25 would be better for your pathetic attempt to impress people, but no, go for a number that makes Mötley Crüe look as if they’re shy with girls.

‘It’s a cup of tea people are saying is the greatest ever’

As you hand a friend an unremarkable mug of Typhoo, don’t worry about them thinking this is a strange thing to brag about. Or who exactly has praised your tea so highly. When you talk self-aggrandising shit about every single f**king thing, they won’t be popping round again in a hurry.

‘Hoovering the lounge kills millions of gerbils’

Trump has a very obvious ploy of claiming something he hates (green energy) harms millions of innocent creatures (birds). A tiny number of gerbils have probably been offed by vacuum cleaners, so you can use this to avoid a boring chore. Until your partner – who is more intelligent than a MAGA supporter – tells you to stop talking shit and get out the Vax.

‘I got A***** in my A-levels’

Don’t worry about metrics that actually exist; Trump didn’t with his ‘A+++++’ rating for the American economy. It’s completely ridiculous, but if you’re a grown adult who’s still going on about your A-levels you’ve established you’re a twat anyway.

‘It’s a Kia Sportage like nobody’s ever seen before’

If people ask what’s so special about your Kia Sportage, just say ‘Next question!’. If they persist, suddenly flip out and call them ‘stupid’ or ‘a nasty person’. It seems to shut up reporters, although girlfriends may not respond in the same way to ‘Quiet, piggy!’.

‘They’ve asked me to run the company’

Your partner will sit there gobsmacked if you use the Trump technique of exaggerating to the point where it becomes pure fantasy. As your impressed husband pulls on his shoes to buy some celebratory champagne, there’s no need to tell him that actually they just asked you to sort out a leaving card for Becky.

‘I aced my prostate exam’ 

Actually your GP found nothing of concern and said to come back in two years. But like Trump and his cognitive tests, convince yourself the entire medical centre was blown away by your arse performing brilliantly.

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