CHEATING on driving tests went up by 50 per cent last year. How are you fraudulently attempting to pass yours? 

Susan Traherne, housewife: “You’ll be familiar with the 1976 cineaste classic, Confessions of a Driving Instructor? Very much in the manner of that.”

Carolyn Ryan, microbiologist: “My twin brother’s taking it for me. Granted we’re fraternal twins, don’t look at all alike and he can’t drive either, but there has to be some advantage to sharing a f**king birthday.”

Steve Malley, fencing contractor: “A concealed Bluetooth earpiece, through which 17th century poet Cyrano de Bergerac whispers poetic compliments I relay to the instructor as my own words while parallel parking.”

Hannah Tomlinson, student: “The theory test? It’s only theoretical, so I say ‘Prove it’ then sit back with my arms folded.”

Jack Browne, ragpicker: “By taking it in a European left-hand-drive car, so he does all the driving and I sit there smugly with a clipboard.”

Wayne Hayes, junior doctor: “I’m booking mine at the same time as a total Top Gear-loving driving swot and copying off them.”