THE Noughties were a time of low-rise jeans and even lower standards for music. These six singles meant the new millennium was a write-off almost immediately:
Hey Baby (Uhh, Ahh) – DJ Ötzi
The Y2K bug left millions terrified to listen to new music in case their CD players exploded, but an Austrian DJ named after a frozen corpse dispelled those fears by grunting along to a sped-up version of a bollocks 60s track. The world’s stereos survived, but at what cost?
Light My Fire – Will Young
Will Young won Pop Idol and spent the bulk of 2002 releasing insipid cover versions to a public suffering from Simon Cowell Stockholm syndrome. All were bad because he wasn’t meant to beat Gareth Gates and is one of history’s mistakes, but this particular one transforms a brooding Jim Morrison track into wellness centre hold music.
Lonely – Akon
It’s testament to pop’s progression that the public no longer buys albums by Alvin and The Chipmunks. Apart from this monstrosity with its helium vocals which was so internationally successful you couldn’t walk down a Magaluf beach without hearing it blaring out of a flip-phone speaker.
All Summer Long – Kid Rock
Unique in that it takes elements from two great songs – Sweet Home Alabama and Warren Zevon’s Werewolves of London – to make one really shit one. Even before his pro-Trump bollocks, Kid Rock rhyming ‘things’ with ‘things’ made him a Grade-A twat. And who was listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd in 1989? Get Appetite for Destruction on, dick.
Uptown Girl – Westlife
Or Seasons In The Sun or I Had A Dream or Fool Again or My Love or Queen of my Heart or World of Our Own or Unbreakable or Mandy or You Raise Me Up or The Rose. Westlife had 11 chart-topping hits in the decade where nobody was buying singles because we were all nicking them from Limewire, and they’re all either the same song or covers.
F.U.R.B – Frankee
The leading example of the brief phenomenon of the answer song, or selling the same people the same shit twice. Frankee was marketed as Eamon’s girlfriend and did a bobbins cover of his ground-breakingly sweary ballad. It was all a transparent lie. Did we fall for this bullshit? Are we that thick?