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The top five Halloween movies to start your kids on the tragic path to being a goth

HALLOWEEN is the perfect time for a spooky film with the kids. But could it inadvertently lead to them becoming goths? Think twice before settling down with these…

Hocus Pocus (1993)

A film that doesn’t just encourage girls to dabble in the occult – thanks to zombie character Billy Butcherson it’s where many of them first developed an attraction to lanky, pale-skinned goth boys, resulting in crushes on Edward Scissorhands in their teens and Nick Cave in their 20s. Which is harmless until they start bringing home weird goth boyfriends you might have to talk to. Where are the film censors when you need them?

Beetlejuice (1988)

Given how popular the character Wednesday has become, you may think The Addams Family is the ultimate piece of goth queen propaganda. But Winona Ryder as Lydia is serving the goth cause far better in this film. It’s easy to be goth when everyone in your family is one, true goth is about being the only person wearing black in a world full of colour, and dealing with creepy older guys hitting on you. Although they’re not usually ghosts.

Coraline (2009)

Not as jovial as The Nightmare Before Christmas but not as shit as The Corpse Bride, Coraline is more subliminally goth and teaches your kids that suburban life is boring and escaping to a subculture of bleak, button-eyed self-indulgence is better than working for the rest of your life writing articles for a gardening catalogue like Coraline’s dad does. Hmm. As you’ll probably be telling your own teenage goth children in years to come, pretending to be a f**king vampire doesn’t pay the bills.

The Witches (1990)

Another witchy watch, with an important and worthwhile message – ugly people are bad. It also introduces young children to the joy of practical effects without having to watch Labyrinth and field awkward questions about David Bowie’s bulge. Angelica Huston’s transformation is regarded as genuinely terrifying, and if you’re in the mood for more horror, just read Roald Dahl’s comments about Jews.

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

It’s rated 15 and in a different language but still good. There’s more an atmosphere of goth than explicit instructions to be one, but girls will empathise with the young heroine. There’s some pretty graphic violence in it, but it’s award-winning art violence teaching you about fascism or something and anyway the eyeball-hand-man is cool. And frankly it’s tame compared to the 80s movies you grew up on. You were allowed to watch Robocop and you turned out fine, apart from a burning lifelong desire to shoot someone in the balls with a big gun.

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Seven ways you can help victims of natural disasters that require f**k all money or effort

WE all feel sad when we see a disaster on TV, so how can you help without lifting a finger or spending any money whatsoever? Try these nominal acts of charity. 

Share a charity link without donating yourself

Sure, you haven’t given to the Red Cross Hurricane Melissa fund, but other people might, so that’s helping. Ignore the fact that if other people took this slack approach paramedics would tell you: ‘Yes, you’re bleeding to death. Don’t worry, we’ve called an ambulance!’

Vaguely suggest a collection in the office

Without speaking loudly or forcefully, float the idea in a very general way, eg. ‘Maybe we should have a collection or something?’ No one will be sure who should do this, so the idea will drift off into the ether while you feel good for suggesting it. If your boss and co-workers were in any way dynamic they’d say ‘Yes, you do that, Emma! I’ll help!’ but they’re not. Turning their computer on while eating a Twix makes them feel snowed under.

Pray

Not so popular in the UK, but Americans swear by it. Admittedly this only leads to the occasional Yank surviving an illness while thousands worldwide die from starvation – which a deity who can make cows could easily fix in a tasty way – but you’ve left a message so what else can you do? You just hope tacking on a request for a PS5 at the end doesn’t invalidate your main prayer.

Post AI slop 

Nowadays any disaster generates fake videos, like the ones of sharks swimming in flooded streets in Jamaica. But you can justify sharing these because it raises awareness, probably. And let’s be honest – it’s easier to care about a natural disaster if there’s a clear antagonist in the form of a merciless killing machine. Which would you rather watch, Jaws or The Day After Tomorrow? Case closed.

Buy products from disaster-stricken places

When places are ravaged by storms or conflict it’s good to support their disrupted economies, so buy some bananas. Of course, the bananas might come from somewhere totally different like Ecuador, but you tried. You can’t be expected to carry all of the world’s problems on your shoulders.

Look after your own first 

It helps if you’re a heartless right-wing bastard for this, but by opposing foreign aid you’re still helping people, just whiter ones. Although if Daily Express types are finally required to put their hands in the pockets for homeless British soldiers, it’ll be interesting to see how quickly they decide they’re all cowards, ‘druggies’ and snowflakes.

Download the charity single

The ultimate selfless act: downloading something you wanted to listen to anyway. And with each stream on Spotify generating as much as $0.003, you and Katy Perry and Chris Martin and Bono will have Hurricane Melissa sorted in no time. In fact you should start a new playlist for your charity tracks. Call it ‘Saving The World Vol 1’.

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