BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more:
Have seven pints on your lunch break
The occasional lunchtime pint to take the edge off an afternoon of emails no longer suffices. If you truly believe the pub is core to British identity, you must neck 112 fluid ounces on a daily basis. Skip lunch. Yes, you may lose your job as you stagger back into the office urinating freely, but no war is without sacrifice.
Pay London prices everywhere
London has shouldered the burden of overcharging for too long. You have a duty to help carry the load by handing over a tenner for a half of Tennent’s Light the next time you’re in a Wetherspoons in Mansfield. If you are in a London pub, voluntarily double its already extortionate prices. Or do you want it to become a community centre for the elderly?
Max out your overdraft on snacks
Pubs desperately need a cash injection to help pay Reeves’s evil new business rates. Restricting your diet to bar snacks only is a start. Can man live on chilli crisps, scampi fries and pickled eggs if washed down with enough lager? You’re about to find out.
Order rounds by yourself at the weekend
Just as you saved Britain by eating out during the pandemic, you must change your drinking habits for these desperate times. By returning with four pints, a large white wine, a rum and coke and sambuca shots from every trip to the bar you’re not only supporting pubs, you’re making yourself seem popular. A statue will be erected to you in Trafalgar Square.
Donate your family
The situation is so dire that Britain needs to be on a total pub footing. This means you need to raid your home for any partners and children who could be repurposed to aid your noble cause. Pile them up in the street, and the government will come along and turn them into bar stools, beer taps and vitally-needed fruit machines.
