THERE has been some deliberately engendered confusion about allowances for cabin bags on our flights. Here are the simple, contradictory rules passengers must follow:
Cabin bags must be below 45mms long but above 35km wide
Any cabin baggage must have a circumference less than a human finger, yet be longer than the distance to Leicester to Nottingham or the distance from the airport we fly you to the city we claimed we were flying you to. All exceptions will be charged at our cabin price of (Nx4), where N is the cost of your flight.
Any item of clothing with a pocket is a bag
If your clothing has pockets within it to carry items, it is a bag and will be weighed and measured with you in it and charged accordingly. Each item of clothing will be charged separately. You are welcome to remove your clothing and leave it at your departing airport but are not allowed to travel nude.
Your under-seat bag must be no larger than the Stone of Scone
If your bag fits in the Coronation Chair used by King Charles for his anointing, investiture and crowning in 2023, it travels free. All bags must be ascertained to fit in the actual chair no more than 18 hours before flying, with photographic evidence and a signed statement of witness from the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Personal bags must be incorporeal
Handbags and other personal bags are permitted as long as they are intangible. Our bag-checking airport staff, all the rest having been made redundant in 2020, will attempt to pass their hands through them and if they meet even imaginary resistance you will be required to buy all empty seats on the flight. Or if the flight is full the following flight.
The overhead lockers are for gold
The overhead lockers are not for the luggage of grubby, cheap passengers but for gold, precious metals, gems and fine art valued at £500,000 or above. To place so much as a baseball cap within would violate our more exclusive passengers’ trust and incur a fine totalling the cost of the aircraft, fully-fueled.
Money is a potential bag
If you are carrying money, either in physical form or on a debit card, you could exchange that money for a bag mid-air as we make a selection of bags available from the cabin crew. We consequently require all funds held to be transferred into a proprietary Ryanair account for the duration of the flight plus 90 days. No liability is accepted.
