By Josh Gardner, the guy in the ‘My gun permit is the Second Amendment’ T-shirt
YEAH, so I’m the guy who repeatedly stated my guns were for taking up arms against tyrannical governments? But I can’t right now because I got an orthodontist appointment.
Sure, I’m outraged anyone’s challenging our fundamental Biblical right to carry a concealed automatic weapon in dangerous situations such as protests, school sporting events and ordering coffee. That’s what I’m all about.
But y’all don’t appreciate the insurmountable obstacles to me getting out one of my five heavily modified AR-15s and violently resisting government tyranny.
First, there’s the orthodontist. In a guerrilla campaign against government forces, poor oral hygiene cuts down on my combat effectiveness. I can’t be in a firefight and letting my buddies down due to inflamed gums.
And there’s an old dining table in the garage my wife’s hassling me to get rid of. I owe it to her to clear that before risking my life in a Red Dawn-style resistance, even if waging war from the woods does mean cathartic sex with a militiawoman like a young Jennifer Grey.
Also, that whole walking-the-walk-not-talking-the-talk deal? Got me questioning whether morbidly obese MAGA men like I am should be taking on professional soldiers trained to quickly flank enemies and shred buildings with heavy weapons.
Hit-and-run tactics are out of the question, cause of the running part, so I’m increasingly of the view that we should wait in the shadows like ghosts, striking only once we’ve bought a tank.
But the main reason I can’t immediately start attacking government forces is the tyrannical government ain’t the enemy. Being honest, I always imagined myself shooting the folks they’re rounding up.
So I’m placing a hold on that whole armed resistance thing until I hear back about my application to ICE. And then it’s weapons up and the whole neighbourhood’s my free fire zone.
