'What a sad little life, Jane': six TV moments that deserve epic dramatisations

DOES the world really need a dramatisation of Emily Maitlis’s interview with Prince Andrew? When these key TV moments have yet to get big-budget remakes? 

‘What a sad little life, Jane’: Come Dine With Me, 2016

There are many great speeches on screen, from Russell Crowe’s address in Gladiator to Logan Roy’s ‘You’re pirates!’ diatribe in Succession. But none have made such a mark on Britain’s national psyche as Peter Marsh being an epically sore loser on Come Dine With Me. Cast Gary Oldman in the role and within the year he’s hoisting an Oscar.

Children interrupt BBC News interview, 2017

Great comedy is about timing, and here it was perfect. The swaggering toddler, the wheeling baby, the frantic wife, it just builds and builds. Make it the heart of a movie about one man’s struggle to explain South Korean politics. Audiences would watch repeatedly, breathlessly awaiting that wonderful moment when the door swings open.

Changing Rooms’ teapot disaster, 2000

Basically Titanic, but with Handy Andy and Linda Barker instead of Leo and Kate. The stakes are incredibly high when a collection of hideous novelty teapots worth an incredible £6,000 – if you don’t think that’s incredible, you haven’t seen the teapots – are placed on a suspended shelf made of MDF and fishing wire. Will they survive? F**k no.

Guy Goma is interviewed, BBC News 24, 2006

A perfectly-weighted farce in which a man expecting to be interviewed for a BBC job is instead interviewed live on air about a subject he has very little knowledge of and bluffs his way through magnificently while saying nothing of any substance at all. Exposes the entire 24-hour news industry as bullshit watched by nobody. Searing.

‘David’s dead’ on Celebrity Big Brother 2016

Angie Bowie was in the Big Brother house when her former husband passed away. But the drama that ensued as she told housemate Tiffany Pollard ‘David’s dead’ was Shakespearean. A full seven minutes of twists, turns and mistaken identities played out before housemates realised she meant David Bowie not David Gest, who was asleep in the bedroom. Gripping.

‘You’re joking, not another one!’ on BBC News, 2017

A day-in-the-life dramatisation of Brenda from Bristol as she goes about her business in post-Brexit Britain before being asked her opinion on Theresa May calling a snap election. Think Ken Loach if he was a bit more cuddly, with comedy Bristolian accents and Brenda played by Maggie Smith. Ideal for showing on the eve of our upcoming, long-awaited general election.

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'Take as long as you need, we won't miss you': candid Royal admissions Britain's media will never, ever make

THE British media’s reaction to the King’s diagnosis is an orgy of fawning about Royal importance. While these widely-held views are never aired: 

Calling them ‘The Firm’ is sinister

Attempting to imbue largely shiftless artistocrats with playful East End gangster menace is ludicrous. Unless Wills and Kate go full Richardson Gang and start pulling people’s teeth out with pliers, in which case fair enough.

Take as long as you need off work, it’s fine

We’re promised Charles will be returning to work when he recovers, and that Camilla and Wills will cover for him. In what vital job? Producing expensive biscuits? Standing there during ceremonial occasions? Visiting a food bank while looking vaguely concerned? Would we notice if these positions weren’t filled?

Even Kate isn’t that popular

Britons are supposedly enraptured with the Princess of Wales, but they’re not. Dua Lipa pulls more of a crowd. If we’re brutally honest, Kate’s only the most popular because she doesn’t resemble a horse.

Charles is not funny

Nor should he be. But media sycophants are desperate to persuade us he has a ‘wicked’ sense of humour, for example saying he had ‘sausage fingers’ during Coronation rehearsals. Is that hilarious? We don’t require other venerated Britons to be funny. Sir Isaac Newton’s achievements were not marred by his inability to write one-liners.

The Royal soap opera is an invention

Most of the interest in the Royal Family centres on rifts. And these happen, but the bulk of it is vague, speculative fluff pontificated on by twats calling themselves ‘professional body language readers’. The conflicts are never interesting, like ‘PRINCE WILLIAM: MY BISEXUAL THREESOME MIKE TINDALL SHAME.’

No-one gives a shit about Beatrice and Eugenie

It’s been suggested they could fill in while Charles and other Royals are incapacitated. Go for it, no one cares. We’ve long accepted that until we abolish the monarchy, these trust fund fraggles will hang around aimlessly like next door’s yappy dogs – irritating, but you wouldn’t decapitate them.