YOU will never be of the calibre of a Disney Princess, but you could be the comparatively ugly friend who gets approached because you’re less intimidating. But whose friend?
Are you the princess’s bestie or more of an acquaintance?
A) I’m her most beloved companion and an audience favourite, though sadly excluded from the live-action remake due to cultural insensitivities.
B) I’m the lesser half of a duo whose signature song has left no cultural impact.
C) [Makes indecipherable yet well-animated gestures. Verdict inconclusive.]
Your princess friend is singing a mawkish song about her feelings. How do you react?
A) I interject with hilarious, parent-pleasing wisecracks that will be edited out by Disney+ if they haven’t been already.
B) I act as a sounding board for her most vulnerable thoughts while our mutual friend steals the show with a soaring accompaniment. It makes me hate myself.
C) [Mimes flying through air with a princess on their back. Translation: contributed zero emotional support.]
How would your princess friend describe you?
A) The bestest pal a princess could hope for, at least if you’re going by the 90s version, which is the only one that counts because the new version was shite.
B) To my face she says I’m her best friend, but I bet she’s slagging me off behind my back to all her fancy land mates.
C) [Resentfully performs a charade of the princess stamping all over you.]
Uh oh! You’re at a ball and your princess friend is in trouble. What do you do?
A) Cheer her on as she reveals her true identity and overcomes her struggle. You can still see this entertaining moment if you have a VHS or DVD player.
B) Flop around on the dance floor as I slowly gasp for air. Unless it’s an underwater ball, in which case I heroically cower in terror.
C) [Does a dance which means ‘I saved the day, not that anybody gives me any f**king credit for it.’]
Aww, your princess friend has married a handsome prince. What’s your happily ever after?
A) I get left on the cutting room floor when Disney renews their ownership of the IP. Although to be honest I’m glad not to be associated with the new version.
B) I get left behind by my princess friend after she sails off into the sunset. Some reward for being her loyal confidant all these years.
C) [Performs mime of straight-to-video sequel being loaded into a VHS player at the behest of cash-hungry overlords.]
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Congratulations, you’re Mushu the dragon from Mulan! Not only are you the highlight of the film, you also have the wit of Eddie Murphy. Sadly, you’re also too controversial for overseas markets to tolerate.
Mostly Bs: With your loyalty and lack of courage, who else could you be but Flounder from The Little Mermaid? You remember Flounder, the pathetic tropical fish who isn’t as cool as Ariel’s other best friend, Sebastian? That’s you!
Mostly Cs: You’re the mute friend who Princess Jasmine literally walks over, which means you’re the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. The simmering anger you constantly feel is due to not being Rajah the tiger, voiced by Frank Welker. Fair enough, he’s awesome.
