Woman who absolutely hates Walking Dead very excited that it's back on

A WOMAN who cannot stand zombie television series The Walking Dead is very excited that it’s back on television.

27-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “This programme is such a pile of toss.

“I’ve watched 100 hours of it and the last 50 hours was mostly men with beards threatening each other. I probably could have written a book during that time.

“That said, I’ll definitely be watching tonight. I cannot wait to see more of my favourite characters’ stories unfolding very slowly, and explosions that look like they were made by a kid on a GCSE special effects courses.

“Seems like I’m on board now until the bitter end. I’ll watch this programme until I die, then get resurrected as a zombie to keep watching it for all eternity, or until they kill off Daryl.”

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Tories to change Universal Credit but only for evil bastard reasons

UNIVERSAL Credit is to be reformed but out of self-interest not human decency, Tories have revealed.

Conservative MPs see no problem in admitting they do not want another PR disaster like the Poll Tax but still view benefits claimants as pointless semi-humans.

Theresa May said: “The system should be overhauled so people don’t go for weeks without money to buy food. It’s just not right in this day and age when they can easily go on TV and make us look bad.

“When I hear of families becoming homeless, it brings tears to my eyes thinking of MPs losing their seats over these tracksuited deadbeats.

“However we don’t want to make benefits too appealing, so we’re continuing with our plan to let Iain Duncan Smith menace people with a Freddy Krueger glove before they can make a claim.”