That wanker from school living in Dubai now

THAT utter wanker from school is now living in Dubai, it has been confirmed.

The rugby-obsessed dickhead, who is called Mike or something, either works for a bank or has some sort of business designing swimming pools.

He is married to that other arsehole from school who is called Susan or Louise, and they live in some sort of luxury gated compound with massive guard dogs to ensure the slaves are kept out unless they’re doing some gruelling manual work.

Mike or whatever said: “I am loving it. The expat community here is full of people we really get along with. I call them ‘quality people’.

“We’ve got a sort of split-level flat type thing and I’ve got my own walk-in wardrobe that is entirely full of Ralph Lauren and Hackett shirts.”

He described all the sports activities he does, which include jet skiing and something called ‘parascending’.

Probably-Mike added: “It’s amazing here. People are so rich.

“We won’t stay forever though, we’ll be coming back so that I can start a Range Rover dealership and my wife can open a loss-making dog pedicure clinic that I patronisingly refer to as ‘something to keep her out of trouble’.”

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Public school twat making crap gangster film

A FORMER public schoolboy is making a terrible East End gangster movie, he has announced.

Ex-Wellington College pupil Nathan Muir has somehow raised the funds to film 88 minutes of self-penned drivel entitled Dangerous Geezers.

Muir, 25, said: “Geezers is a gritty heist caper about lovable small-time crook Billy Sparrow who gets caught up in a bungled attempt to steal the world’s largest diamond.

“It’s full of brilliant characters like Danny ‘Two Machine Guns’ and Rastus Kingston, the permanently stoned Brixton weed dealer. I also cast my friend Portia as a crack prostitute because she is smoking hot.

“I don’t have any personal knowledge of the underworld but I did my research thoroughly by watching a huge stack of DVDs like Essex Shotgun Bastards.

“Like many films of this genre, I’ve opted to mix violence with comedy. There’s a hilarious scene where the cockney pensioners turn out to be old school gangsters and shoot someone’s head off.

“It is, as they are beloved of saying in the East End, ‘the bollocks’.”